sometimes

you wake up from a bad dream... and feel like you're in a worse one, only it's not a dream.

Happy Birthday Jimmy

I Philipians, 1:27-30

Only, conduct yourselves in a way worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see your am absent, I may hear news of you, that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind struggling together for the faith of the gospel, not intimidated in any way by your opponents. This is proof to them of destruction, but of your salvation. And this is God's doing. For to you has been granted, for the sake of Christ, not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him. Yours is the same struggle as you saw in me and now hear about me.




Father,

I thank you for sending such a shining example to go before me, as you have done so timelessly through Christ and all his disciples, including my god father. Love you.

Amen

end of the quarter

it is the end of the quarter! yes! right?

i don't know, there are many things/events/responsibilities that are just vying for attention and an associated emotion. so in the words of ron burgundy, "I'm in a glass case of emotions."

Today i am on campus @ the lovely cal poly pomona (i'm so sick of being here... well... sort of and not really) waiting for a senior project meeting. the meetings at 11:30 am, and I came early...took a sweet nap in my car, had my body pillow and ...erm... what do you call that pillow you use for your head? regular pillow? I had my body pillow and regular pillow. the body pillow kept me warm and the regular pillow... well i just delight in snuggling in soft things. when i was young one of my greatest joys was lavishing myself in a nice cool comforter, but i digress. after the nap i came to the campus starbucks to organize all the documents i had for senior project.

as you may or may not know, i am the project manager for my senior project. i was honestly dreading doing this organizing, and although i am not totally done, it was not bad. it actually revitalized my fervor (hah! i like to use words out of proper context) for the project. it's like looking at it all and realizing it ain't so bad after all.

which reminds of a conversation i had with Dr. coduto one day after an unproductive weekend (both of us had unproductive weekends). i told him that always help me when i'm in a slump is to clean up my room. so the point is, organization is a beautiful thing. we hate to do it, and man do i mean hate, but it makes life so much easier. seriously. so i think i'm going to take this winter quarter to really get organized, clean my car, my room, organize any and all documents i have from school, job fair stuff, i am going to hit the ground running.



anyways, i am drinking a white mocha cuz i miss my girl. that's her drink. i normally don't like to splurge my washingtons on them, but you know. it's friday. thank god it's friday, really. thanks, god. and thank god for her, but that's the topic of another blog. thanks for reading. stay classy, san diego.

The man crying out in the desert

Sometimes when I feel far away from him, his words bring me back. He helped nourish my faith so much, so when my faith is wilting, I look to him. i've gone a stray so many times. this time, though, i've felt so far away. his words always bring me back, and i can hear him speaking very clearly to me. james was always such a passionate person and extremely devout. everything he did, he seemed to do so well. there was never anybody i wanted to be more like. the title "god father" has never known such a perfect host.

this is the first holiday season without him. i know there're many ailing hearts out there because of this. i hope everyone is handling things alright... i always thought i'd be stronger. you can always know what's right, but it's always trickier putting it into practice. when i read his words, i feel close to him again, yet it's hard to believe i can't just go and see him. you just gotta remind yourself, love is stronger than death.

my dilemma

i used to feel that i had some fairly adequate people skills. i generally do my best to be empathetic towards people. i try to avoid making money or material gain my motivation, and yet that's fine when I'm at home or at church but it doesn't seem to translate well in the "real world."

i don't know, really... i just get the feeling that i'm viewed more and more like this guy:



without the funny =[

ex: @ the last senior project meeting near the end while people starting going off talking and so i wanted to ask another team member if he had the minutes from the previous previous meeting. i just wanted to know if he had done them, not realizing some people would view that as making him look bad.

well you know what? i don't have those kinds of motives, and didn't think it was a big deal that he hadn't sent them out, that's not what matters to me. my motives and motivations aren't that shallow... and yet, i'm pretty sure i'm turning into michael scott (without the funny). as in i'm always saying inappropriate things and... well... yea.

boo

where?

where do our desires come from? i mean, what is it really want and why do we want it? as a catholic, i suppose that's true communion with god. living a life of love, of righteousness, of passion and compassion. i read in a book once, one of our greatest desires is to be close to one another. to know and be known, without judgment, just honesty and understanding.

so why do we get so caught up in so many little things? why can't we all just take time to truly explore why we're here and why we do the things we do? is it because that would be a waste of human experience? tradition tells us to do things this way and so it's done. but where do out traditions come from? why were they formed this way? are we justified in continuing them? you know what? no matter how much "wisdom" human experience gains for its generations, we always have to learn on our own anyway. no one takes their parents' word for truth till they've stepped in the poo themselves.

today i began reading a book called omnivore's dilemma. this book really asks where and why. i really wish i could read through the whole thing at this point, but i really can only skim through for a power point presentation i'm giving tomorrow.

if you have time this coming winter break, or you are simply one of those fortunate to have the time of day to read a book (go figure), this is one you really ought to read. investigative journalism at one of its finest. it may change your life, it may not. if anything, hopefully it makes you more cognitive of your own existence, which i think we honestly all need.

Happy New Year

Liturgical new year, that is. I think it's a good reminder of what life's about. What I mean is, history always seems to repeat itself. It happens in big and small ways: in our daily lives, in global events, in little things. Life is really like a jumble of fractals. Take a moment to look and see. Or if you have more time, this is worth watching.

I don't want to speak too much, so I'll just say this to remind myself. Life may seem dismal sometimes, but that's not enough reason to lose hope. There will be things that come and go that help you through out life, just when you think you're down to your last limb and you're stuck in a rut, life will continue to happen. You just gotta hold on and, though just doing that won't get you where you want to be, it will get you out of the rut.

Enjoy learning about fractals.

Happy Thanksgiving

have i been thankful lately?

i guess i need to be more thankful. i don't know why i've been so negative. if we all knew how to be thankful for things, we would be so much happier. because happiness is all about perspective. when you see things through a narrow scope, things can seem quite dreary. thankfulness asks of us to look around and see more, to see the way others see, and maybe to see in ways no one else sees.

in my life there is so much to be thankful for, i can't possible devote just one day or one blog to it. so instead, i will do my best to show my gratitude.

amen

I need to pray more

so here it goes...

dear father,

today was a good day. not because it began well, nor because i got much of my work done. it was good because i got to be near you. so thank you, father.

i always hate to ask favors, but i still i ask you to please be with me. i am not strong enough to go on without you, and my vision is not so sharp as to always see you. so please, father, be with me and make your presence known to me and to those around me.

it's been quite a difficult journey thus far, and i know there's much more to go. you have always been with me, but lately i have questioned if you're even there. i question if i'm crazy, silly, or even inferior to believe you're there and that you care for me.

the truth is, i am inferior. i am weak, and i am very small. this universe is so vast, and this life so short. so in many ways i need you. please put me in my place. it's too easy to get lost here.

father, please help me and guide me. nourish my body, mind, and soul so that i may do what is required of me. not for my sake, but for those who may depend on me.

forgive me for my sins, for the hatred, the carelessness. forgive me for not believing, for questioning. in your compassion, father, please hear me, please let me hear you. protect and bless all your children, especially those who are close and dear to me.

good night, pops. i love you, or at least i'm trying.

amen

solitaire

being alone is like playing a game of solitaire. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you play to get by, to waste the time and other times you play because you want a challenge. It really all depends on how you play it.

Some versions let you go back and re-do your mistakes. Sometimes you're under a time crunch, sometimes there are very little rules and you keep playing until you win. But then again, when it's easy, there are little or no rewards.

In a game of vegas-style solitaire, for example, you have to be very careful and catch all the cards because you can only go through the deck once. It's very difficult to actually win, but you can get into the rhythm of positive return.

In the end, solitaire is a game of chance. It all depends on how the cards are dealt.



I should stop playing solitaire.

we'll be fine

You've got a dark side, that I can give no light.
Consider this my blessing, this is your dance.
I've got an answer, but I'm sure that it's not right.
Don't follow me down there,
Just stand proud and tall.
And don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be fine.

I got a dark side that I'm sure you have not seen,
It manifests itself behind a smoke screen.
All in a long life, that I've learned these days will pass.
It happens too slow, so we drown,
Drown 'em all.
Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be fine.



We all have a dark side
That is ours and ours alone
Crawl out of that hole and scream
Damn, damn it all!

Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be
Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us, we'll be,
Don't worry bout us we'll be fine...

Dear james

I really can't wait to see you again. I miss you.

-Drew

black eyes, black threads, and bandages

"Cracked knuckles, and my fists
are bandaged up for the fight.
Am I ready?
There's the bell.
How many rounds can I go?
And how can I soften the blows?
Can I avoid them altogether?

But my heart isn't in this.
I'm supposed to be a seasoned fighter.
It feels like my first hit.
And it hurts like...
I didn't see this coming anyway.
yeah, it hurts like hell

So don't tell the crowd..."

flu days

today started off promising. i was going to get a bunch of homework and other things taken care of. unfortunately i came down with some form of the flu... i suppose. my mother and khanh nursed me and i'm feeling better... i just hope i got enough to finish the week off strong.

the power to control

means nothing when there is no self control

Happy All Saints Day

Miss ya Bac Tuong, Six, Jims, Robert, Yen, Matt... hope heaven's treating ya well =)

TGI...T?

Another Thursday has come to pass. It's always about this time of the week I start to really feel like crap. I guess lots of things are not quite going so swimmingly. Well, by lots of things I mostly mean senior project and job fair.

As you may or may not know by now I have two huge responsibilities this year. The first is job fair chairman. I need to get cracking on the planning but there are little tasks I need to get out of the way, and my committee members have not gotten back to me. Of course everyone's busy. A ton of people just took the EIT and we're in midterms week. Hopefully I can get on top of that this weekend.

Now senior project... project manager.... I feel completely out of place. There are so many aspects that make this a very difficult part to manage. One of the larger issues is the fact that this project is so close to reality yet still within the realms of a student project. We are being lead one way by the original conceivers, another way by the consultants hired, and another way by our faculty adviser. I feel like my voice has been squashed under the pressure caused by these three entities among other things.

If I didn't demand so much perfection out of myself, life would be much easier. I need that insight to make things work and get out of my idealistic bubble.

I wish I could say I were praying more often and putting my faith in God, but I am not. I am full of fear. So please, if you are reading this, pray for me. I want to help make this world a better place, but sometimes the biggest thing getting in my way is me.

I still have tons of work to do...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

... ... 'nuff said

hey world,

how ya doin out there? chaos much? i really hope you're doin well. sometimes i feel so ashamed of what i say and what i do, i get so self conscious. i say things to people and then start to question if i should have even opened my mouth. i must sound like such a prick. but then i think... there's a huge universe out there, and i am very small in the grand scheme.

so, world, i hope you can find some peace. there are some great people out there, and there's a lot of beauty in nature. sometimes i wish we could all just chill and be friends... us people, the world... wouldn't that be nice? to feel united in our undeniable unity as things occupying the same universe... i swear i'm not on drugs... i just really feel this way.

When Sanity Wanes..

I tend to visit this blog to vent. That's a bit of a shame. Blogging seems a good way to keep track of things. Considering how I am so unorganized I decided to put a little more effort into this thing.

First off, I got a new template. I think it suits me well.

Much has gone on since I last blogged, but things seems like they are going well. I feel a little more confident each day in my skills to lead and organize groups of people in accomplishing goals. The two main things for this year will be XE Job Fair (view in IE =[ ) and Thompson Creek Senior Project.

It is sad, though, because I am still scared about those two large projects... but confidence is growing in the "smaller" things. Friendship, for instance. I never really had close friends, I would just have friendships here and there depending where I went. For the longest time, my closest friends have been church people. These past four years of college has seen those relationships decrease, leaving a bit of a void (although I did gain a pretty important relationship).

Recently, though, I have been gaining more friends from my CE class/clubs/etc. It feels good to be in league with those who share similar goals and opinions, though each of us also share many differences. The thing is, I always happened upon friendships but now I think I am taking more initiative--organizing study groups, and just helping people out when they need it. I don't mean to gloat by any means... but it feels good to form meaningful friendships is all.

I have always been a bit of a loner and never felt like I needed friends, but I realize sometimes people need a good friend. If I can be a good friend, it will always be my honor.




Note to self: this weekend I must complete water supply HW/module, try the 2 steel problems, 351 hw, and divy up the Job fair contact list.

Ever get that feeling...

that you're in way over your head?

*Raises hand

Yea, I guess that's just who I am. I want to do a lot, but I sometimes I just don't know my limits. There was a time when I could firmly say I just felt God's call and had faith that he would help me wherever I needed help but otherwise called me because I could handle it. I don't know where that faith went. I guess I just stopped talking to him (praying). I would love to get close, again, but I think writing this all out may help.

Probably the only thing about me that has changed over the year(s) is my lack of faith. But I still believe in 'righteous' causes. I mean, I WANT to do great things for people, I want to help. I want to lead people in the right direction, guide them, get them on their way. But honestly, I am so confused and even more confused about how I am confused. How do I define "great things"? What is the right direction? What really constitutes as help?

Perhaps I am really just a jaded old work horse. I used to use that term often... "jaded." Back in junior high I became "jaded" and was "jaded" throughout most of high school. Those who knew me back then would tell you, I was always down. I'm just generally a depressed guy. "Life ain't fair..." blah blah blah blah.

But then I got to a point when I realized how powerful I really am. I mean, I can control me, I can control my future. I could really affect people's lives. Back then, I wasn't jaded, I was a little disenchanted with the whole world and had no belief in my own abilities. Yet, a number of things lead me to believe my will is invaluable, my faith could move mountains. So I have worked hard to try and become a good person, to do well in school, be a good friend, a good son, brother, etc. I work at it with a passion. Whenever I do things, I do it with purpose.

Yet why am I so tired? Little failures add up and shatter any shred of confidence I could build up through feigns of righteousness. I know there are many sick bastards out there who only think about themselves and their personal gain. Then there are the even sicker bastards who fool themselves into thinking they're helping themselves so that somewhere down the road they'll help others. I am scared to hell of being that kind of person, but there are times I probably act that way. Life is HERE and NOW. If you want to help someone, there is always a way to do it HERE and Now. None of this lesser of the two evils bullshit. But, hah. Me? I don't even know how to help people anymore. Giving them something they want or need? Teaching them something they forget the next day? Teaching them about God and love? Where's the good if I'm constantly contradicting myself by being a jerk on the highway, or just doing things I shouldn't do.


Cot damn! Why do I expect so much out of myself?!


I just want life to be grand, I want people to be happy. But people are never happy, so how the hell can I be happy? It's like a never ending circle... I don't think there's any point in pleasing a perfect God, something that's above me, if I can't quell the fires in which I currently roast. Damn you, humans, damn you for being so damn tragic. I can be at peace in nature, in isolation, but I suppose the only time I'll truly be one with nature is when I'm six feet under.


Hopefully now that I'm done ranting I can get six feet under a cloud of dreams.

Goodnight, cruel world.

I'm sure I'll laugh...

...many miles down the road, but tonight I can't. In very Andrewesque-Fashion I have come to blog (rant) again about a painful moment in my life. The Angels lost the ALDS to Boston yet again. This was not painful for me any other year but this year.

I cannot say I am an avid fan of the Angels. The stadium is ok, the fans to be honest can be downright tasteless, but I fell in love with this years' Angels, this years' roster. See, I haven't followed baseball in almost a decade (for good reason, apparently). But I have had fond memories at the ballpark in the past and this summer I decided to go with Khanh. It was a great game, and the Angels were doing great. Then I started paying attention to them, watched a couple of games here and there. Checked up on the scores when I missed the opportunity, and then I started watching pretty much every game into the post season.

Why did I watch? Because they were doing well? Maybe, probably. I like to think of it as to why they were doing well. Great management, great players, they put on a great game. The players worked hard and set high goals for themselves. I just grew fond of the team, they seemed like a great bunch of people. I liked the way our stars carried themselves. Guerrero is like a big teddy bear and a great player--without being a celebrity. Torii Hunter's got an amazing personality, always joking around and smiling and having fun. And big Tex, well... to be honest, I don't know much about his personality. He just seems like a nice guy. These guys wanted to win, the whole team did, and they worked hard for it. Their philosophy is game to game. I've seen them playing post-season style baseball all summer long, each one mattered.

So my investment in watching these past months of Angels Baseball wasn't for my own pride. How can I have pride in something I didn't do? I was really rooting these guys on. I wanted them to go the distance because I was tuned in to their story for the year. And I must say, the most excruciating thing is to see something you care about fail. It's been a year full of battles. Many of them have lost, or seem that way. Maybe I'm just putting off my own battles, in hopes that seeing others succeed will be enough.

Btw... I don't think I can watch anymore of the post season. I do not like this Dodgers team one bit. Manny Ramirez is a shameless playboy with some talent. And Joe... he's a bigger celebrity than any of them. If I wanted to see stars, I'd get out of this hell hole and just look up at the night sky.

Man, this hurts. Kind of like seeing Spike die @ the end of that great series I watched so long ago (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s6jJ3_a9yo). Oh well, at least they can go on another year (although I doubt it'll be the same team next year).

It's been a while

At least it's felt that way. School has taken a toll on me. So much has happened this summer, I can barely catch my breath just thinking about it. I just wanted to make an update so people (if there are people reading) know that I'm alive and kicking.

I've mentioned it before, but being so busy with school has made me feel so isolated from those I love. I've felt so detached and, to be honest, it's almost harder each day to cope with the idea that James no longer walks this Earth. I think there are several reasons for this. First of all, since summer school has been just so much, I really haven't had time to grieve. Second, I have so little contact with his family and friends and that just brings about a certain despair. I am worried, I always think about his friends, my friends... friends that were so close to Jims... it's heart wrenching even now. But sometimes just hearing from them gives my soul such a boost. It's like after a big shipwreck, you can hear the other survivors saying "I'm here, I'm alive" and that's what you need to have hope. I think one of the most difficult things to overcome is loneliness. I know God is with me, but when my spirit's looking down, it's a bit difficult to see Him.

Anywhos, that's enough for now. Hopefully more organized and articulate thoughts to come. To anyone out there reading, I love you and wish you the very best.

Prayers,
Drew

a scary dream last night

I dreamt I got a call from Jims in the past. I told him chemo was going to fail, do rexin g... I pleaded but whenever I said rexin g my words were muffled. Freaky-deaky...

This is much harder

than it seems on the surface. As you can probably tell from my past blogs, I constantly think about Jimmy. I rarely saw James, I can only imagine how much harder it is for those who were much closer, who saw him so often. The fact that he's 'gone' is a much stronger reality to them. My condolences, friends. I'm truly sorry.

With summer school being so much work, so far away, I often feel so far away from everything important to me... things are really difficult...

searching for an eraser

I stumbled upon an old birthday card from "Jimmay" to "Andrew: 'Enter the Dru'" (there was a picture of a dragon that encircled my name).

It goes as follows:

DRU,

Hey son_ you know what, great timing today to allow me to see you on your birthday. I know that time is rare between us, but then again, rare things secure a certain value to them don't they? Here's a poem for you Dru:

He gives you ten talents and asks 'what have you done?'
You say 'Lord please open the door'
He sas 'It is open my son'
You reply 'Thank you Father, here is thirty more'

Dru; you are blessed with much talent, and I have utmost confidence that you will serve the Lord to the utmost of your potential.

- Jimmy 5-31-04

Thanks James. And thanks, God. I know that providence has taken me a step closer back home.

Dear James

Today I went to eat with my family. My Uncle Toai took us out. It was at a place called Phuong where they served family-style Vietnamese meals. At the table next to us I saw a family of 5. The father had a mustache, so it immediately reminded me of your father. I noticed at his right hand was what appeared to be his eldest son. It made me miss you, but not in the sorrowful kind of way. The boy and father appeared to love each other very much. They were each eating a bowl of mi, and the son gave the father his shrimp, and the father gave his son something back. I wish my words could be more articulate, but the gesture was truly one of love. I know you and your father are together now. I hope all is well. I'll try and do my part and keep it together down here.

Love Always,
Your Son Drew

My last conversation

During these trying times with James suffering from cancer, my mom would always tell me to visit him before it was too late. I never formally visited. But I don't regret it because I was blessed enough to pray with him, converse with him, and see him one last time while he was still living on this earth.

My last long 'encounter' (for lack of better words) with James was at a prayer service put on by the sisters. There weren't many words, but there were prayers written on our hearts. It was a meaningful experience. Although it may not have healed him, but I know it gave us all strength. Christ was with us, in the Eucharist, in the Word, and in the church (community, gathering of people) which was a very important affirmation.

My last conversation with James was over aim. I had avoided going on aim for a while, but I've been on more recently. I avoided i/ming James, for fear he were already flood with messages and/or too tired to talk to everyone. But one time, I really wanted to talk to him and so I did. We spoke, and like always James had something to teach me. I told him about getting a bike, being fearful yet excited for the future. Then I told him about my struggle with anger and general hot-blooded-ness. Then I asked him, "how should I handle this?" I actually meant his condition, because I did not know what kind of outlook to have. But he figured I was talking about my anger. He told me something so simple yet very profound. First he said that his father and himself had anger problems. He told me his father learned to control it after going on a retreat with Cursillo. He told me he got over it from simply knowing how much his anger hurts those he loves. I'm still struggling with self control, but I only need to remember his simple words and then I try to muster out his contagious smile.

My last brief encounter with James was Monday, July 7, 2008. I was riding my bike to my local bikeshop to buy a lock. It wasn't open yet so I turned around. Now James' apartment is on the opposite side of the street that I needed to take home, but I had a feeling I should take his side of the street home. Just as I approached the complex, I saw a champagne colored Camry pull out, looked to the driver's seat and saw James' mom. I was bewildered at first, but sure enough James was sitting there in the passenger seat. I waved at both of them and James rolled down the window.

James: "Son, it's good to see you. Where are you going?"

I told him where I was coming from and that I was headed home.

James: "Ah, my mom was just taking me to church. It was good to see you."

He mustered out that same contagious smile, but I could tell it was quite an effort. I fought off the thought that that might be the last time I got to see him alive.

This past Monday, I was talking to my sister online. She said we should visit him. We decided to visit Tuesday. I went to class, and when I got out of those grueling 4 hours, I get a voicemail from a friend asking me if I was alright since he heard that James had past. I was terrified, I thought maybe he had mistaken. I called my sister, confirming my fear.


Heart wrenching, at first, I soon realized how God had been with me through it all, especially through that last fateful and blessed encounter.

Now when I think of James, I can't help but smile. I think about him almost all the time and in all that I do. Though these past years I haven't seen him as much, his memory lives all over my house and deep within my soul. No discredit to my parents, but James brought me through my adolescence. He handled the tough problems and questions those frustrating years bring. He taught me so much. I remember how amazed I was at how knowledgeable he was of our Catholic faith. He was such a busy person, already completing one medical degree and about to finish his second, I often wondered how or when he learned and remembered the deep theology and history of our faith.

Just last Friday, there was a change in me. I took the picture of James and me at my baptism with me for strength and inspiration and I was able to get a good amount of work and studies done. Again, I know this is a blessing from the Father, and a gift made possible through James.

I drew this mildly disturbing, hopefully not blasphemous picture the other day in my hydraulics class.



Some of you may recognize the position from an image James drew of Christ. I always found it odd that James drew Christ crucified in such a position, and in my hydraulics class I felt like maybe this was a symbol of James' cross and sharing in Christ's passion.



Well, this is just a ramble, but I can't keep it in. That's why I have this thing. I guess what I really wanted to say was thank you, James. Truly, thank you.

My eyes can't look

at you any other way...

RIP my beloved God Father, I pray we meet again

break downs

are opportunities for engineers. It's where the trouble shooting comes in and true engineering mindset shines through.

Yesterday I went into the hydraulics lab to check on the pipe network we had used the other day to study head loss. Inside the lab were some mechanical engineering friends of mine. They were on the otherside of the system, the side we civil engineers would be using later that night to study minor losses from things like venturis and nozzles. The transducer was taken apart, and my friend Awesome (his name is really Mozim or something Russian, but we can never remember nor pronounce it correctly so we call him Awesome) was working on it.

Me: "What're you doing here, Awesome?"
Awesome: "Trouble shooting."

Me: "For a class or did they pay you?
Awesome: "Senior Project."

For those who don't know, Senior Project is a capstone course for undergraduates which is either some sort of research, design, or other type of real life project. Our broken equipment (well, the ME's use it for fluid dynamics, we use it for hydraulics) was part of someone else's graduating project. What an inspiration.


Well, if you follow the last post, you should know I've been breaking down. Life is just rough. This whole week it was almost as if I imploded. I was behind on all my 16 units of classes, and the pressure peeked on Thursday when a lab report was due. Our instructor has industry standards, so he's quite a stickler on those reports. Needless to say, I ran out of time and had to turn in a poopy report. By the time lab came around I was pooped and could barely focus on the lab, it went by in a snap.

That night I felt broken. Moreover, I was angry. I was angry at myself for letting things get so bad. And I was angry, I felt James' ordeal incredibly unfair. To him and to those who love him. "Life's not fair" resounded in my mind. With each ringing it got louder and angrier. The drive home on the freeway was slow riding--trying to keep calm and save on gas. There were tons of wreckless drivers, several weaving in and out. "What the f*k you rushing around for? Is your life ending tomorrow?"

I boiled over and by the time I got home I was just angry and I told Khanh. I was tired and pissed off at life. Completely broken down.

I gathered myself and road my bike over to Khanh's house *mind you, this was around 8-8:30 pm. I rode out my frustration. Pushing down on the pedals. I wore myself down to the point I didn't have the energy to be angry. I became somewhat carefree and started acting silly all night. We went over to the Bella Terra to meet with her friends (and surpisingly some of mine showed up). Everyone had a good time, there was laughing and smiling. Arrogant of me, but Im proud to say I caused a good amount of that laughter.

Later Khanh drove me home and I went to bed fairly easily that night--which has become rare.

This morning I was determined to quit foolish sulking and wasting time. After wasting a couple of hours in the morning I showered and drove over to Khanh's to get my bike and ride to Starbucks, where I spent the rest of the day doing Hydraulics homework. Mind you this past week, I turned in half-done-half-assed hydraulics homework because I put it off too long (rather I was busy doing other homework and assignments for the other 13 units). I came home to dinner with my family and then I ended up here.

Today, like every day for these past months there were times I was on the verge of tears just thinking of my beloved God Father. At times wondering who would be there to guide me, as he is not only my God Father, but also my Confirmation Sponsor. But after my shower this morning, I clothed myself in fortitude. Taking the picture of him and I at my baptism off the wall and using it as a shield. I took my rock of fortitude (literally a rock with the word fortitude and a cross on it) and put it in my breast pocket. I have had one of the most productive days I've had in a while.

I can't scan that picture of James and I just now, as I need to get my cable to scan it, but I want to tell you about it. This is James when he was 22. He still had a lot of his hair (it was done up DBZ style) and he was still buff and had a goatee. He has on black shirt with brown tie, the black makes him look not-so-bulky (I remember him looking bulky most of the time) and he has a great smile. His arm is clenching myself to him. I remember I was a shy and distant kid back then, not yet adept to taking pictures with others. I was happy too.

And, James, if you ever get a chance to read this I want you to know. This is how I see you. No matter how you may feel or what your actual physical appearance might be. This is you and I can't look at you any other way. So rest assured, though our time on this earth is fleeting, there is no difference. You are the one who made me confident in the Lord. And the Lord tells me this, though you may move on ahead of me we will definately meet again. I'll do all I can to learn and love the Lord so that some day I might be where you are going.

break down

seems everything nowadays is breaking down.

i did today. i'm simply terrified of the future i have to face.

i'm terrified of spending money. i do way too much of it. i love to take my girlfriend out. we take turns paying but each time i clench my teeth.

you know the phrase some people say to those they love, "I want to give you the world!"

this world, I'm afraid, is not something I'd want to give, not in the state it is in now, nor the state it will be in very soon and farther into the future.

sure, the world is grand, but we humans sure have funny ways to screw it up.


i am absolutely terrified.

my dad pays 800 dollars for some damned pills just to stay alive and "well," over a thousand dollars just for the insurance so he can pay that much. what income does our household make? what with other expenses including my school, the books, the gas... food, i'm sucking the funds right out of my family and i simply can't take it anymore.

prices will continue to climb, if you don't understand how or why, do a quick google search and see what's going on in the world today. i feel like i'm about to go belly up.

each day in the classroom... this summer it's engineering economics, analysis of indeterminate structures, hydraulic engineering, and technical communications... each hour, it's like a new weight put on your shoulders. it's not just work load, but responsibility given to you. that's what education seems to do. sure, it makes you stronger, but how much burden can you take?

today i buckled under the load.

I got...

a bike... and it's been great riding around town, been happy.
Got all A's for spring quarter... and I aced my fluid dynamics final (100%)!
My family's been getting closer, and we're working out some kinks.

Why can't I sleep?

Nothing new to report... I guess I'm worried, anxious, wish there were more I could do.

Yet, again, I fail to talk to God.

So God, I'm sorry but it's hard to rely on you... I'm trying, but I must admit I'm quite broken. So, if you could, please fix me and all your broken people. We're hurting.

Final

got my last one today, but a lot is on my mind. Or rather... my brain is just dead. I don't know... for some reason I've been wanting too many things... I'm getting a new phone (all my phones are dead and I'm using a loner that's like 3 years old), a new laptop (this one has a dying screen and has many other problems but no warranty), and I want a new bike... I just wanna rid myself of the gas dependence. Granted, I stil have to commute to school.. but there are many places I go that I can easily ride my bike to.

At the cusp of this desire, is for my God father to live. Things seem bleak, and it really is up to God whether he stays or goes.

I want to believe that if I got all these things, the future would be grand... or at least for the next couple of years. I'm trying to start a new lifestyle... I'm not worried about my final... yet I should be... I'm gonna go take a shower and take a stroll around the block... hopefully I'll have the mental capacity to study.

heart ache

happens when you love. That's how I know Anabelle knows how to love. Anabelle is my niece, she's turning 2 in July... but last December she was watching The Iron Giant, and for the first time I realized how amazing she was because by the end of the movie, she was crying and you can tell she was heart broken. I guess the Iron Giant was so similar to her. Anabelle's a baby and the Iron Giant was pretty much like one as well, with his thought process and whatnot. It was amazing.

So sometimes I wonder, how hard it must be to bring children into the world, only to see them feel heart ache when they love. I know, I feel the pain and see it all around. In the father who feels he's lost his use and is losing his health, the mother who hides the pain of losing her family behind a deck of cards, the sister who grew up too fast. I see it in the sisters and mother losing a brother, a son who's lost his father and faces the same fate. In one night I could feel the heart ache, and realized what pain God must feel. All of us are so broken hearted. At least every now and then.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Became fully conscious ~ 3a.m. and had a heart to heart with God. Every night used to be like that. I remember when my mom first taught me to pray, at night I'd list all the things I was thankful for... from the food I got to eat down to the spoon I got to eat it with. Momma's boy's all grown up...

Well, interweb, I'm going to be direct with you. My god father has cancer. It's tempting to say dying of cancer, but I like to think of it as battling with cancer. What can I say? Maybe you should know that I wasn't baptized till I was 12, and that he came into my life at probably one of my weakest points and his faith built me up to the soldier I am today.

Anyways... there're two songs by the New Amsterdams that remind me of him... I know it's a little negative, but here they are...

The first is called "Drinking in the Afternoon" and it goes as follows:

Drinking in the afternoon, this is what it's driven to.
Is there anything else to do?
Could have sworn it's 3 a.m., it's quiet in the room again.
This is where the story ends.

Time for me to act my age, I'm nothing if I'm not the rage.
Like that would matter anyway.
Just don't think you understand, just don't think you understand
the story needs this scene to end...

But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...

Drinking in the afternoon...
the loneliest hotel room, I hope the answer comes to you...
This is not the way for me, this is not my last defeat,
I'll try to make the ends meet.

But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time..

and it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...




The second song is called "Strangled by the thought" and I'm sure this is how James must feel, with the cancer eating at his lungs.


Weak from lack of oxygen, strangled by the thought
promise you'll remember when I'm gone.
Sleep is mostly optional, trace lines around my heart,
steal the only breath from my lungs.

And if I had your faith...
I'd be fearless.
But until that day...
I'm be envious.

Miles and miles the distances, like meters on a map.
Trace lines that only translate to the day.

But if you're awake...
tell me it's safe.
If you ask me to stay,
then I'll stay.

Don't leave me here...
when I'm bleeding...
when I'm fading...
when I'm true...

And it's tempting...
to stop everything...
when I'm pouring out... to You...

So take everything...
Take it all from me...
All I want... all I want is You...




The first song, "Drinking in the Afternoon" is how I feel... and I think it's pretty self explanatory.

The second song, "Strangled by the Thought" is how I imagine James must feel... it starts out with physical pain and lack of oxygen... then there's pain and fear from what he's going through. Miles and miles... lines that translate into a day... those are his long days suffering from the symptoms of chemo and radiation... then there's a crying out for God in the "don't leave me here..." and concludes with an acceptance of where God might lead him...

I know in the face of this adversity, I need to stand up and just do what God wants me to, but right now I am broken and will retreat this time to ask for God's healing, for the both of us.

Six

Today was a long day at school. I had to finish a paper... which I didn't, but my prof. gave the whole class until Monday, still had to do a presentation... but I think that went fairly well. I went from school straight to the block to meet up with Khanh to watch the screening of a movie called "The Goods"... don't know what to say about that... we had some In-N-Out, I had a burger with extra tomatoes, it was yummy, I think I'll always order extra tomatoes from now on...

anyways... onto the important stuff.

I drove home, put the car in the garage, closed it and walked up to my front porch. I searched for the right key to open the door and as I put it in, a memory rushed into my head. It was of a lady named Six who would always, always, always ask "Who is it? Is that you child? Are you home?" At that moment I felt a little emptiness well up in my heart.

Six was the sixth child of ten. I don't know much else about her past except for the fact she's the one who got to come here to America after my grandfather, Ten, passed away. He had passed away right after my parents finished the paperwork for him to come over here to live. Six, his older sister took his place... and strangely enough I never understood that until she herself passed away.

It was the day before Thanksgiving. I only had one class that day--Vector Dynamics. It was from 9-10, but my professor taught another section from 8-9. Before I left for school that day, I had said goodbye to Six who was already on her deathbed. I normally go to school very early to avoid traffic and get good parking... so that day I decided to sit in on my professor's earlier section. By the time I was back down in Garden Grove, I got a call from my mom that Six had passed away and to come home immediately to begin the traditional Buddhist death ceremonies.

From that day I put on a strong face, scared that if I showed weakness my mother would only be thrown further into despair. But the truth is, I'm very sad that Six is gone and, with my super busy life, I had forgotten up until earlier today on my front step. On the same step where I had been greeted so longingly and affectionately by her countless times. It hasn't been a year since she passed, but it feels quite like forever.

I didn't appreciate her enough while she was around, but ever since this house has been plagued further by a thing called loneliness. The beginning of the plague began with the loss of my beloved rottweiler, Indo, May 24th of 2006 and the moving out of my sister later that month to begin her new life with her husband and coming daughter. No... this loneliness happened long before around 2001 when my dad had to move up north to work and I grew more astranged from my family... barely speaking to them or sharing the time of the day.

Well... I just thought it was a good time to remember this, because it helps me appreciate what I have, who I have... Last week my father came back from San Jose for good... and now we have the opportunity to grow closer as a family once again. I pray with all hope and love that this will happen.

as always

I'm looking back.

things move so quickly it's easy to forget, to get caught up in the rush, to stumble and make mistakes.

I just finished reading my old blog (http://www.xanga.com/xxlildragonguyxx)... not really sure what to say. I feel like in so many ways I've stayed the same and changed at the same time. I don't feel like I'm changing for the better...

I'm not sure what happened to me, my life used to be so spiritual. Now I never speak of God guiding me here or there... it's just me meandering and stumbling along this thing everyone likes to call "the road of life"

Today something very stupid happened, and this is one of the reasons I really just don't like myself (if you didn't get the hint from the whole not changing for the better). Today Khanh came up to school with me because 1. she's in summertime 2. she had no work today. We went to my Chi Epsilon (CE honor society) meeting, had some delicious chicken and all seemed wonderful. I went up to the Honors Commons where I chatted with people and did some homework while Khanh napped on the couch.

When sleeping beauty awoke, we went down to the BSC, got some chocolate-vanilla swirl frozen yogurt on a waffle cone, and then chilled in th study lounge where we watched a movie on this very laptop I'm using to communicate to you, the interweb. I probably should have spent more time studying or doing something but my brain turned to mush. An hour or so before class I decided to get up and go study, maybe ask my prof. some questions.

When I got to my professor's office he wasn't there so I walked back to the BSC to look at some things on my laptop. I tried adding some more classes for the fall but then it looked like I had a hold because I had extrenuous spring quarter fees, which was outlandish because I paid it off. After a while it just went away. Then I got to ask my prof. some questions. I went to class eager to take the quiz and go to the Honors Convocation. In my eagerness I rushed through the quiz even though it was super easy and screwed up. My professor, the benevolent guy he is looked at it and gave it back to me... I reworked it but felt so stupid that I had to receive his mercy because I was careless. This is where the frustration with myself began. When I walked out of the class I thought I had made another error... so I tried to come back in the room but then thought I shouldn't... then I wrote a letter, went back into the room, and left it under the stack of quizzes. As I walked to the convocation I realized my second attempt was sound and felt like an even bigger idiot than before... and it all just snowballed...

so there are a number of things here that I just can't stand 1. I rushed through the quiz and consequently screwed up 2. that I was given a second chance and still screwed up 3. that I made it such a big deal that I just had to leave the professor a note 4. that this is all I could think of for the rest of the day


I really wish I could be one of those people who don't care or at the very least don't let it bother them... but I'm not... I felt so bad that I was given mercy but merely continued to screw up... come to think of it, that's just like my spiritual life... when will this cycle ever end?

p.s. my dad is home from San Jose for good... I see it as a good thing since I know how strenuous the commute was and how stressful the job was... but I know deep down my dad is hurting, and so I can't help but hurt deep down...


I don't know why it had to be like this (Edit: strange... I don't know how this line appeared... I don't remember writing it... kinda scary)