the Desert

Have you ever been "spiritually dry?" Have you ever considered yourself a very faithful person, only to reach a point where you question? Have you wondered, "Lord, why have you brought me to this desert?"

Did it make your spirit feel dead?

Well, whoever thinks the desert is a dead place has never been to the desert. There is so much life in the desert, but perhaps it's something those who live in the burbs aren't used to--those who are used to the comfort of their homes, the comfort of the city.

The faithful Hebrew people have been brought to and through the desert, Christ is said to have spent 40 days there. A very strong monastic tradition sprang from the "dry" desert.

Why do I bring all this up? Perhaps because not so long ago, I found myself in the spiritual desert. My faith was waning. I could not see the beauty of God in life quite as clearly as before. About 4 months later and I almost forgot I was ever in such a place.

The water I once sought was some abstract spiritual connection with God. The water I found in this desert was a concrete understanding. An understanding of his interaction with us through our entire human History. With roots in the Bible, supplemented by rich historical scholarship and long-standing (or long-lost) Church tradition. This is, to me, the beauty of what Vatican II brought to us Catholics.

Vatican II, as I see, was an acceptance of what we once were, what we have become, what we are, and what we are called to be. The history of the Church is very much like my own personal history. I have roots, I had a starting point. I developed through social interaction and educational development. Some things I changed, some things I kept the same--some decisions based on good influence and some bad. When I was younger, my understanding was limited, as I grew my understanding skewed, and now in my most recent history, a sincere and academic approach is taken to realize who I really am and who I am really called to be. Knowledge is really a powerful thing that should not be undermined.

So this is a challenge to you, the one in the desert. Don't turn away, but look closer.

It's like any relationship. You can't grow in love if you don't also grow in knowledge and understanding of one another. We as baptized lay people are charged with this responsibility to do our best to grow in love and understanding of our Faith.

My mom said something that touched me in a very profound way. She told me I had a strong heart. I know she's my mom, but for her to say it in the way she did made me realize how much I had to be thankful for. My heart helps me endure, to inspire, to be inspired, to love, to grit my teeth and muscle my way through life. Some of us have fragile hearts. Its no fault of our own--nor is it a fault. We are simply different. So here's the deal. If your heart is fragile, and my heart's still strong I'll protect you. I'll help you grow, as I grow too. But there is a lot that can be learned from a fragile heart as well. This is me encouraging you who find it difficult to carry on, to carry on. This is me promising to do what I can to help you to that end.

We can survive the desert, we can flourish in the desert. It is much more likely we can do so together. Maybe you can see, that we are brought here for a reason, and that it is not a terrible thing.

hear me roar, louder than before

A voice of one crying out in the desert: 'Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.'

Do we really prepare the way of the Lord? This is what we set out to do, right? I am so sinful, yet in my heart I desire to be with God... what is right, what is wrong? What is direction, what is misdirection? Are these words, though louder, falling on deaf ears?

The way of the Lord is simple, love. That is our goal. To say "Love God above all things and love one another as [Jesus] has loved [us]" can often be so confusing. Who is this God who seeks our love? Who is Jesus and how did he love us?

Let's go a little off the path to try and answer this... Have you ever met a person who cannot accept failure? Who works hard and wants everything to be perfect? To some extent that's me, but it's something I've been trying to change. Failure is inevitable, so what happens when you fail? Fail a test? Fail a friend, a loved one? What happens when it seems as if you can never get anything right? Well for the most part our past failures are now out of our hands. Our pains, our regrets of yesterday are merely that--yesterday. I am not saying to discard it, that would just be foolish, to forget how and why we fail. Today is in our hands, not yesterday. Today forges a new tomorrow. Never give up, never lose hope. Take life one step at a time.

One of the best things I heard from yesterday's retreat was from Sean Masero, a youth minister @ St. Columban, it was actually a tweet from Rev. Run (DMC)about never giving up, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on."

Love is not black and white, sometimes we'll falter and sometimes we'll triumph, but love propels us forward. More than that, faith, hope and love propel us forward. Not with delusion, but understanding & humility in the truth that we are just a small piece of such a seemingly infinite universe, yet we can make a difference.

Waking up in the morning.

Last weekend while I was at mass, they played a very familiar song:

Open my eyes, Lord
Help me to see Your face
Open my eyes, Lord
Help me to see

Open my ears, Lord
Help me to hear Your voice
Open my ears, Lord
Help me to hear

Open my heart, Lord
Help me to love like You
Open my heart, Lord
Help me to love

And the first, shall be last,
and our eyes are opened,
and we'll hear like never before.
And we'll speak in new ways,
and we'll see God's face
in places we've never known.

I live within you
Deep in your heart, oh, love
I live within you
Rest now in me

A little long, but you get the point. So I was sitting in mass right when they were announcing this song and I turned to Mom (Dion) and said "This song's about waking up in the morning."

Oh we shared the Lulz. But now that I think about it, it is both funny and true. It's a great way to start the morning--asking God to open ourselves to the day, to know his will and live life prayerfully in thanksgiving and praise.

changes...

Been through a lot in quite a while, posted them on facebook notes... but I guess it's time to work the blogger... soooo new format, enjoy!

hurt

Condemn me for my lack of faith, but I seek you sincerely. Once, my greatest friend, I'm still trying to figure out just who you are.

why do I still cry?

I'm getting older. It's been almost a year. I should be happy, but it still hurts like hell.

Man, get that corn outta my face

So today I met up with a Cal Poly friend at the Starbucks nearest my house. Naturally, I rode my bike. On the way back, I heard a familiar honking. It was none other than the wandering Mexican corn/snow cone cart.

Naturally, picked me up a couple of these beauties--->

The picture is courtesy some other blog (hint, google images mexican corn mayonnaise chili), but it's authentic!

The nice cart man had a hard time understanding my English, but I eventually got him to whip me up 2 sticks of corn. I got one with chili and one without (for my niece, who I saw like 20 minutes later).

"¿Como se cuentan?" I asked in a very convincing accent.

He did a double take, eyeing me suspiciously as if to say, "ow come joo deed not speak to meet that way earlier?"

But all he did say was, "Three dolors."

So I started riding back home with 2 plates of corn in my left hand. Saw my neighbor, Frank, across the street standing in front of his house, inspecting the people fixing his roof.

Yelled out, "Hey Frank!"

He didn't hear me.

Tried to ring my bell with my right hand (it's on the left side of my handlebars). My palm was muting it. Turned around and tried again.

Was going too fast... lost control... took a spill... but the corn was safe. My knee, skinned... my ankle... it's gonna be sore tomorrow.

He still didn't hear me.

I limped my bike back to my house, cleaned up & patched my knee, and enjoyed my corn. It was worth it.

And now, a piece of quality film:

A cardinal moment

Perhaps its this phase of transition that has me up late at night, sulking in in the nostalgia of memories.

I don't really know what to say--it's almost as if every one of my blogs are exactly the same... just a whole lot of not knowing.

I suppose one thing I can reflect upon is what I've actually striven pretty hard for--to Love people, or "love your neighbor as yourself." I know a big part of love is understanding, so I have tried to step outside of myself so much. But I have done that so much that I don't feel the same nor remember, at times, who I am. I might even go as far to say that I have tried so hard to Love others that I lost site of the commandment that goes just before that: To Love God above all things.

I forget how important that commandment is. You may even say it's almost impossible to "Love neighbor" if you don't know how to Love God. Of course, this is a difficult thing to do... I'm going to leave it at that for now. I'm tired...

over the past couple of years

I worked hard... fought w/ all my might... hoping I'd get a chance to relax and breathe. Hoping that I could spend time with those I love. Sometimes you work so hard, and the ones you care about aren't around anymore.

This is a reminder to myself: whenever you get the chance to share time with someone you care about, do it. Don't wait, they can be gone in an instant... I really regret not taking any extra steps to try and spend time with Jims. There were so many things I wanted to ask him, to tell him. I still need a God father to guide me, especially now. I'm really struggling to find some solid ground, at least on the inside.

I guess on the outside things seem to be going great. But there's a lingering sense of despair in my mind. Not because I am worried about graduating or getting a job or any of that.... I'm still learning what it means to be human, but the more I seem to find out, the more I seem to lose myself... if that makes sense...

After so much spiritual development, so much self reflection... I never thought I'd be so far from understanding who I am supposed to be.

my goodness

how time does fly. just a year ago, i would never have imagined being where i am--not sure yet whether that's good or bad. i suppose God has a plan, hopefully i'm not doing anything to hinder it.

i just wanted to take the time to say how busy i've been with school and how it's made me feel so detached from who i am/used to be... and how much i miss those who've passed. miss you Six, Jims.

I can't believe how much my life has changed since that day I asked to be set free and I slammed my tC into the 57's center divider. I hope I can hang on to what I want to be and let go of things that keep me from God's plan.

you may think I talk a lot about God all the time. but the truth is, this blog is my way of forcing it out. i know deep down in my heart how much i love God, but in honesty the clutter & debris from disasters has covered that up pretty well.

love you God, I miss living in your grace and I miss your beloved children who've gone before me.

angels

With the tragic loss of Nick Adenhart, the Angels press on to face the Redsox. They say there's something about baseball that helps guys get over things. I think they're right.

But my heart is heavy tonight. There is so much sorrow in this world, and this goes beyond just Nick. So, Jesus, thank you for what you did for us, and remember us.

self control

i read an article headline that said "children who lack self control are more prone to obesity."

hmm... i'd like to take that a step further to say that those who lack self control are more prone to depression.

i know, b/c my own faults & failures get me down, and they often come from a lack of self control. be it physical or mental fitness--to me it all comes down to self control & will power.

sometimes i feel like i have a will of iron, or fire, or all those other strong images of will... but sometimes i'm just that lost and lonely soul seeking cover.

being human is an amazing experience, isn't it?

No more lowercase!

hahaha I just looked up how to disable the all-lowercase text that my template had. I'm such a noob =).

shogun

gives you courage to overcome life's obstacles.

i had a very humbling experience when i opened up my inbox today. sometimes you keep a blind eye to people who may look up to you, trying not to inflate your ego. but you can't really do that, because someone who looks up to you... looks up to you. we lead each other.

i haven't been very proud of myself lately... heck, when am I ever proud. but there's a definite bit of peace that i'm lacking. it's not school, family, church or any one subject that's bogging me down. it's balance that i seek! i am terrible at balancing things out. i try to stay level but i've never had good balance. i've been devoting so much to school, that everything else seems to be going to heck.

i guess i've tried to make up for that during this spring break. i've spent time with family, friends, neighbors. i've done some cleaning, some fixing, and too much eating. now it's time for me to start to get back into the school groove, because it's gonna come up on me like a raging tiger! so in a couple of minutes i'll be working on a sewer interceptor design, yum!

i owe thanks to those who 'look up to me' and to those i look up to... you guys give me courage, and remind me to find my center once i wander off.

ub-seh-shun

bicycles & the angels

my ubsehshun. dammit, i hate ubsehshuns.

strength comes

and goes. strength comes from within. strength comes from above. strength comes from below. strength comes from without. strength comes.

heart ache makes my heart ache.

hey world, why are you so troubled? wish there were more i could do to help, but i'm just one. i do what i can... but sometimes i'm not so sure... wish there were more...

A collection of poems

here are some poems i had written a while back... i should write poems more often... or should i not? you be the judge.


Death is part of nature’s prose.

As I sit by her side, I can see the light go from her eyes.
All at once I feel like a parent consoling a child. A man losing his wife. A child losing his mother.
I just sit by her side and watch her wait as her body fails.
The life in her is faltering.
I sit by her side and hold her hand.
Can you see it in my eyes? I wish to tell you we'll meet again.
We'll meet again.

self loathe

stupidity
evasiveness
loserness
failing

loneliness
obliterated
apathetic
tired
hasty
evil

ok so that was just two poems... off my old myspace blogs. i enjoy them.

"we never get good pictures together"

damn straight...

[canceled] set me free pt. 2

I wanted to make a nice blog about this (see 2 blogs down), but I am not so sure. I plan on doing a talk on this some time in the future and will unload then & there. The low down, however, is a message about freedom, how it's misunderstood today. How i gained it, and what i choose to do with it.

it's now time for me to study groundwater. have a blessed day.

-drew

it gets difficult at night

when you're all alone with just thoughts & memories. faults & failures before you

tonight I just pray for peace.


.

be a man

i wonder why we are so captivated by pretty faces, the allure of shiny things. is it social conditioning, or something that's wired in us? if the latter, why?

i say this because i'm sick and tired of seeing people chase shallow things. everyone seeks something deeper. i don't give a crap what you say. no matter who you are, you are seeking something deep. but of course if you are denying this, perhaps there is a fear associated with your denying. this makes sense, going deep is a huge investment. the more we invest in something, the more that we're going to naturally expect out of it.

i'm really far too lazy right now to flesh out my thoughts. but dammit does it frustrate me! err... i need a nap.

set me free

from these chains holding me...

It was a prayer i started... it's been almost 2 years ago. It was the good friday of 2007. It seems so close yet so far away. i hadn't had a very, shall we say, productive lent. when i woke up on that friday morning, the 6th of april 2007, i bowed down and ask for god's forgiveness for the utter state of distance from him. i don't remember how, but i got a song from casting crowns called "set me free." i made a lenten mp3 cd to listen on my way to the one class i had that day, engineering geology. it turned out that for some reason or other, the only song that was working on the cd i made was "set me free." i thought to myself, "that's fine, i like this song and i'll pray it on my way to school."

the short version of the story goes 15 minutes into my drive, i wound up staring down traffic on the 57 freeway just south of the 91, my car crippled in the carpool lane--butt end forward and wedged onto the center divider.

i was thankful to walk away with my life and body intact, but i had no idea what implications that event had triggered. today i fully realize how god has set me free starting on that day.

stay tuned for the next blog where i detail the major changes in my life from the time of my crash. in the mean time, enjoy this song by casting crowns and have a very fruitful lent, may Christ's peace be with you.

when you're at your lowest

what keeps you going?

is it because someone else is depending on you? do you do it to please someone else? were you inspired by those who came before?

i bottom out pretty hard every now and then. today i feel like a royal screw up with more and more responsibilities catching up with me. so when i search my soul, i ask myself these things.

what is it that keeps me going? what is it that can keep me going?

i wish i could say, those i love are my inspiration that i can keep them in perspective and they help me keep my head up. the truth is, they really just make me worry more. when i search deep down in my soul for the truest answer i can muster, the answer is simply because it's the right thing to do.


and i thought i was going to pull through miraculously with an awe inspiring answer. my answer doesn't make it any easier, but its enough to keep going.

goodnight friends&family, anyone out there. my heart goes out to you.

This show

never ceases to remind me of jims.

god how i miss ya jims. hope to see you soon.

Reclaiming my spirit

hello faithful people of the internets.

you may not know, but my spirit's been dwindling within me. which reminds me of a psalm i'd like to share with you:

Psalm 143 - A Prayer in Distress

A psalm of David.

Lord, hear my prayer; in your faithfulness listen to my pleading; answer me in your justice.
Do not enter into judgement with your servant; before you no living being can be just.
The enemy has pursued me; they have crushed my life to the ground. They have left me in darkness like those long dead.
My spirit is faint within me; my heart is dismayed.
I remember the days of old; I ponder all your deeds; the works of your hands I recall.
I stretch out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.
Hasten to answer me, Lord; for my spirit fails me. Do not hide your face from me, lest I become like those descending to the pit.
At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust. Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me, Lord, from my foes, for in you I hope.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level.
For your name's sake, Lord, give me life; in your justice lead me out of distress.
In your kindness put an end to my foes; destroy all who attack me, for I am your servant.

It's a beautiful prayer. Although the last line sounds a bit gruesome, you have to remember the context in which David prayed. Now, I pray his same prayer in a slightly different context. The enemy is the one who pursues my soul.

So, as I said, my spirit has been faint within me, because of all the troubles & weights of life. But many things have inspired me to reclaim my spirit. There are little moments here and there, where I can see god beaming out of the cracks. most notably, my girlfriend has been an inspiration to me.

father, forgive me. i will seek you out like i used to, because my soul cannot find rest anywhere but in you.

amen

re-connecting

I've been making a slow effort at it lately. from calling people up @ christmas time, to getting on aim.

it's really tough, but i don't want to be lost and gone forever. i really enjoy my family and friends past and present. miss you guys out there, drop me a line when you can. i'll try and do the same.

I'm Just Andrew from the Block

Yea, lamest (was about to use another word there, but Khanh insists I stop using it in the context I tend to use it... rhymes with day) title ever.

That was the first thing that popped into my head, though. The other day I was hanging out with my buddy Mauricio during/before/after class and he drove. He mixed his own mashup CD and it just happened to have that "J-Lo" song on it. That song irks me, yet I cannot seem to get the phrase out of my mind.

In case you're lost at this point, I'm currently at the Block in Orange. I came here to buy a saddle for $7 from craigslist (thank you, Tracey from Irvine). Pretty sweet deal, although it's not the greatest saddle it's perfect for my 'hybrid.'

So Khanh's away at TNTT Camp @ Casper (spelling?) Park in San Juan Capistrano. Again, I came to the block to buy a saddle, but decided to stay at the starbucks to study a bit on waste water treatment plants. if you didn't know, my senior project is on a small scale water reclamation plant for groundwater recharge. if that doesn't make sense to you, I am way too lazy to explain it, but perhaps i'll make a whole blog devoted to it. yea... it's always weird without khanh around, but then again i tend to get more done to keep myself busy until she returns.

i have been stressing out a lot lately. that's not me though (those of you who've known me for a while may be coughing and furrowing your right brow). i don't want to be a stresser. i know that worry does not get things done, just do what you can and things work out however they work out, but i feel like too many are depending on me this time. i really need to start practicing my faith more and trust that god will take care of others in the ways that I cannot... yet in this day and age it just feels way too irresponsible.

i don't want to keep reiterating that, so i'll stop there. hope all is well with you anonymous readers out there. back to studying. ah, and in perfect timing as the words "let's get it on" begin ringing out from the starbucks speakers. yea, that's right. *deep sexy voice* it's time to get it on, so let's get it on.

Mmm gotta love waste water.

this

is to prove a friend wrong.


to be continued.