TGI...T?

Another Thursday has come to pass. It's always about this time of the week I start to really feel like crap. I guess lots of things are not quite going so swimmingly. Well, by lots of things I mostly mean senior project and job fair.

As you may or may not know by now I have two huge responsibilities this year. The first is job fair chairman. I need to get cracking on the planning but there are little tasks I need to get out of the way, and my committee members have not gotten back to me. Of course everyone's busy. A ton of people just took the EIT and we're in midterms week. Hopefully I can get on top of that this weekend.

Now senior project... project manager.... I feel completely out of place. There are so many aspects that make this a very difficult part to manage. One of the larger issues is the fact that this project is so close to reality yet still within the realms of a student project. We are being lead one way by the original conceivers, another way by the consultants hired, and another way by our faculty adviser. I feel like my voice has been squashed under the pressure caused by these three entities among other things.

If I didn't demand so much perfection out of myself, life would be much easier. I need that insight to make things work and get out of my idealistic bubble.

I wish I could say I were praying more often and putting my faith in God, but I am not. I am full of fear. So please, if you are reading this, pray for me. I want to help make this world a better place, but sometimes the biggest thing getting in my way is me.

I still have tons of work to do...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

... ... 'nuff said

hey world,

how ya doin out there? chaos much? i really hope you're doin well. sometimes i feel so ashamed of what i say and what i do, i get so self conscious. i say things to people and then start to question if i should have even opened my mouth. i must sound like such a prick. but then i think... there's a huge universe out there, and i am very small in the grand scheme.

so, world, i hope you can find some peace. there are some great people out there, and there's a lot of beauty in nature. sometimes i wish we could all just chill and be friends... us people, the world... wouldn't that be nice? to feel united in our undeniable unity as things occupying the same universe... i swear i'm not on drugs... i just really feel this way.

When Sanity Wanes..

I tend to visit this blog to vent. That's a bit of a shame. Blogging seems a good way to keep track of things. Considering how I am so unorganized I decided to put a little more effort into this thing.

First off, I got a new template. I think it suits me well.

Much has gone on since I last blogged, but things seems like they are going well. I feel a little more confident each day in my skills to lead and organize groups of people in accomplishing goals. The two main things for this year will be XE Job Fair (view in IE =[ ) and Thompson Creek Senior Project.

It is sad, though, because I am still scared about those two large projects... but confidence is growing in the "smaller" things. Friendship, for instance. I never really had close friends, I would just have friendships here and there depending where I went. For the longest time, my closest friends have been church people. These past four years of college has seen those relationships decrease, leaving a bit of a void (although I did gain a pretty important relationship).

Recently, though, I have been gaining more friends from my CE class/clubs/etc. It feels good to be in league with those who share similar goals and opinions, though each of us also share many differences. The thing is, I always happened upon friendships but now I think I am taking more initiative--organizing study groups, and just helping people out when they need it. I don't mean to gloat by any means... but it feels good to form meaningful friendships is all.

I have always been a bit of a loner and never felt like I needed friends, but I realize sometimes people need a good friend. If I can be a good friend, it will always be my honor.




Note to self: this weekend I must complete water supply HW/module, try the 2 steel problems, 351 hw, and divy up the Job fair contact list.

Ever get that feeling...

that you're in way over your head?

*Raises hand

Yea, I guess that's just who I am. I want to do a lot, but I sometimes I just don't know my limits. There was a time when I could firmly say I just felt God's call and had faith that he would help me wherever I needed help but otherwise called me because I could handle it. I don't know where that faith went. I guess I just stopped talking to him (praying). I would love to get close, again, but I think writing this all out may help.

Probably the only thing about me that has changed over the year(s) is my lack of faith. But I still believe in 'righteous' causes. I mean, I WANT to do great things for people, I want to help. I want to lead people in the right direction, guide them, get them on their way. But honestly, I am so confused and even more confused about how I am confused. How do I define "great things"? What is the right direction? What really constitutes as help?

Perhaps I am really just a jaded old work horse. I used to use that term often... "jaded." Back in junior high I became "jaded" and was "jaded" throughout most of high school. Those who knew me back then would tell you, I was always down. I'm just generally a depressed guy. "Life ain't fair..." blah blah blah blah.

But then I got to a point when I realized how powerful I really am. I mean, I can control me, I can control my future. I could really affect people's lives. Back then, I wasn't jaded, I was a little disenchanted with the whole world and had no belief in my own abilities. Yet, a number of things lead me to believe my will is invaluable, my faith could move mountains. So I have worked hard to try and become a good person, to do well in school, be a good friend, a good son, brother, etc. I work at it with a passion. Whenever I do things, I do it with purpose.

Yet why am I so tired? Little failures add up and shatter any shred of confidence I could build up through feigns of righteousness. I know there are many sick bastards out there who only think about themselves and their personal gain. Then there are the even sicker bastards who fool themselves into thinking they're helping themselves so that somewhere down the road they'll help others. I am scared to hell of being that kind of person, but there are times I probably act that way. Life is HERE and NOW. If you want to help someone, there is always a way to do it HERE and Now. None of this lesser of the two evils bullshit. But, hah. Me? I don't even know how to help people anymore. Giving them something they want or need? Teaching them something they forget the next day? Teaching them about God and love? Where's the good if I'm constantly contradicting myself by being a jerk on the highway, or just doing things I shouldn't do.


Cot damn! Why do I expect so much out of myself?!


I just want life to be grand, I want people to be happy. But people are never happy, so how the hell can I be happy? It's like a never ending circle... I don't think there's any point in pleasing a perfect God, something that's above me, if I can't quell the fires in which I currently roast. Damn you, humans, damn you for being so damn tragic. I can be at peace in nature, in isolation, but I suppose the only time I'll truly be one with nature is when I'm six feet under.


Hopefully now that I'm done ranting I can get six feet under a cloud of dreams.

Goodnight, cruel world.

I'm sure I'll laugh...

...many miles down the road, but tonight I can't. In very Andrewesque-Fashion I have come to blog (rant) again about a painful moment in my life. The Angels lost the ALDS to Boston yet again. This was not painful for me any other year but this year.

I cannot say I am an avid fan of the Angels. The stadium is ok, the fans to be honest can be downright tasteless, but I fell in love with this years' Angels, this years' roster. See, I haven't followed baseball in almost a decade (for good reason, apparently). But I have had fond memories at the ballpark in the past and this summer I decided to go with Khanh. It was a great game, and the Angels were doing great. Then I started paying attention to them, watched a couple of games here and there. Checked up on the scores when I missed the opportunity, and then I started watching pretty much every game into the post season.

Why did I watch? Because they were doing well? Maybe, probably. I like to think of it as to why they were doing well. Great management, great players, they put on a great game. The players worked hard and set high goals for themselves. I just grew fond of the team, they seemed like a great bunch of people. I liked the way our stars carried themselves. Guerrero is like a big teddy bear and a great player--without being a celebrity. Torii Hunter's got an amazing personality, always joking around and smiling and having fun. And big Tex, well... to be honest, I don't know much about his personality. He just seems like a nice guy. These guys wanted to win, the whole team did, and they worked hard for it. Their philosophy is game to game. I've seen them playing post-season style baseball all summer long, each one mattered.

So my investment in watching these past months of Angels Baseball wasn't for my own pride. How can I have pride in something I didn't do? I was really rooting these guys on. I wanted them to go the distance because I was tuned in to their story for the year. And I must say, the most excruciating thing is to see something you care about fail. It's been a year full of battles. Many of them have lost, or seem that way. Maybe I'm just putting off my own battles, in hopes that seeing others succeed will be enough.

Btw... I don't think I can watch anymore of the post season. I do not like this Dodgers team one bit. Manny Ramirez is a shameless playboy with some talent. And Joe... he's a bigger celebrity than any of them. If I wanted to see stars, I'd get out of this hell hole and just look up at the night sky.

Man, this hurts. Kind of like seeing Spike die @ the end of that great series I watched so long ago (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s6jJ3_a9yo). Oh well, at least they can go on another year (although I doubt it'll be the same team next year).