than it seems on the surface. As you can probably tell from my past blogs, I constantly think about Jimmy. I rarely saw James, I can only imagine how much harder it is for those who were much closer, who saw him so often. The fact that he's 'gone' is a much stronger reality to them. My condolences, friends. I'm truly sorry.
With summer school being so much work, so far away, I often feel so far away from everything important to me... things are really difficult...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
searching for an eraser
I stumbled upon an old birthday card from "Jimmay" to "Andrew: 'Enter the Dru'" (there was a picture of a dragon that encircled my name).
It goes as follows:
Thanks James. And thanks, God. I know that providence has taken me a step closer back home.
It goes as follows:
DRU,
Hey son_ you know what, great timing today to allow me to see you on your birthday. I know that time is rare between us, but then again, rare things secure a certain value to them don't they? Here's a poem for you Dru:
He gives you ten talents and asks 'what have you done?'
You say 'Lord please open the door'
He sas 'It is open my son'
You reply 'Thank you Father, here is thirty more'
Dru; you are blessed with much talent, and I have utmost confidence that you will serve the Lord to the utmost of your potential.
- Jimmy 5-31-04
Thanks James. And thanks, God. I know that providence has taken me a step closer back home.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Dear James
Today I went to eat with my family. My Uncle Toai took us out. It was at a place called Phuong where they served family-style Vietnamese meals. At the table next to us I saw a family of 5. The father had a mustache, so it immediately reminded me of your father. I noticed at his right hand was what appeared to be his eldest son. It made me miss you, but not in the sorrowful kind of way. The boy and father appeared to love each other very much. They were each eating a bowl of mi, and the son gave the father his shrimp, and the father gave his son something back. I wish my words could be more articulate, but the gesture was truly one of love. I know you and your father are together now. I hope all is well. I'll try and do my part and keep it together down here.
Love Always,
Your Son Drew
Love Always,
Your Son Drew
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
My last conversation
During these trying times with James suffering from cancer, my mom would always tell me to visit him before it was too late. I never formally visited. But I don't regret it because I was blessed enough to pray with him, converse with him, and see him one last time while he was still living on this earth.
My last long 'encounter' (for lack of better words) with James was at a prayer service put on by the sisters. There weren't many words, but there were prayers written on our hearts. It was a meaningful experience. Although it may not have healed him, but I know it gave us all strength. Christ was with us, in the Eucharist, in the Word, and in the church (community, gathering of people) which was a very important affirmation.
My last conversation with James was over aim. I had avoided going on aim for a while, but I've been on more recently. I avoided i/ming James, for fear he were already flood with messages and/or too tired to talk to everyone. But one time, I really wanted to talk to him and so I did. We spoke, and like always James had something to teach me. I told him about getting a bike, being fearful yet excited for the future. Then I told him about my struggle with anger and general hot-blooded-ness. Then I asked him, "how should I handle this?" I actually meant his condition, because I did not know what kind of outlook to have. But he figured I was talking about my anger. He told me something so simple yet very profound. First he said that his father and himself had anger problems. He told me his father learned to control it after going on a retreat with Cursillo. He told me he got over it from simply knowing how much his anger hurts those he loves. I'm still struggling with self control, but I only need to remember his simple words and then I try to muster out his contagious smile.
My last brief encounter with James was Monday, July 7, 2008. I was riding my bike to my local bikeshop to buy a lock. It wasn't open yet so I turned around. Now James' apartment is on the opposite side of the street that I needed to take home, but I had a feeling I should take his side of the street home. Just as I approached the complex, I saw a champagne colored Camry pull out, looked to the driver's seat and saw James' mom. I was bewildered at first, but sure enough James was sitting there in the passenger seat. I waved at both of them and James rolled down the window.
James: "Son, it's good to see you. Where are you going?"
I told him where I was coming from and that I was headed home.
James: "Ah, my mom was just taking me to church. It was good to see you."
He mustered out that same contagious smile, but I could tell it was quite an effort. I fought off the thought that that might be the last time I got to see him alive.
This past Monday, I was talking to my sister online. She said we should visit him. We decided to visit Tuesday. I went to class, and when I got out of those grueling 4 hours, I get a voicemail from a friend asking me if I was alright since he heard that James had past. I was terrified, I thought maybe he had mistaken. I called my sister, confirming my fear.
Heart wrenching, at first, I soon realized how God had been with me through it all, especially through that last fateful and blessed encounter.
Now when I think of James, I can't help but smile. I think about him almost all the time and in all that I do. Though these past years I haven't seen him as much, his memory lives all over my house and deep within my soul. No discredit to my parents, but James brought me through my adolescence. He handled the tough problems and questions those frustrating years bring. He taught me so much. I remember how amazed I was at how knowledgeable he was of our Catholic faith. He was such a busy person, already completing one medical degree and about to finish his second, I often wondered how or when he learned and remembered the deep theology and history of our faith.
Just last Friday, there was a change in me. I took the picture of James and me at my baptism with me for strength and inspiration and I was able to get a good amount of work and studies done. Again, I know this is a blessing from the Father, and a gift made possible through James.
I drew this mildly disturbing, hopefully not blasphemous picture the other day in my hydraulics class.
Some of you may recognize the position from an image James drew of Christ. I always found it odd that James drew Christ crucified in such a position, and in my hydraulics class I felt like maybe this was a symbol of James' cross and sharing in Christ's passion.
Well, this is just a ramble, but I can't keep it in. That's why I have this thing. I guess what I really wanted to say was thank you, James. Truly, thank you.
My last long 'encounter' (for lack of better words) with James was at a prayer service put on by the sisters. There weren't many words, but there were prayers written on our hearts. It was a meaningful experience. Although it may not have healed him, but I know it gave us all strength. Christ was with us, in the Eucharist, in the Word, and in the church (community, gathering of people) which was a very important affirmation.
My last conversation with James was over aim. I had avoided going on aim for a while, but I've been on more recently. I avoided i/ming James, for fear he were already flood with messages and/or too tired to talk to everyone. But one time, I really wanted to talk to him and so I did. We spoke, and like always James had something to teach me. I told him about getting a bike, being fearful yet excited for the future. Then I told him about my struggle with anger and general hot-blooded-ness. Then I asked him, "how should I handle this?" I actually meant his condition, because I did not know what kind of outlook to have. But he figured I was talking about my anger. He told me something so simple yet very profound. First he said that his father and himself had anger problems. He told me his father learned to control it after going on a retreat with Cursillo. He told me he got over it from simply knowing how much his anger hurts those he loves. I'm still struggling with self control, but I only need to remember his simple words and then I try to muster out his contagious smile.
My last brief encounter with James was Monday, July 7, 2008. I was riding my bike to my local bikeshop to buy a lock. It wasn't open yet so I turned around. Now James' apartment is on the opposite side of the street that I needed to take home, but I had a feeling I should take his side of the street home. Just as I approached the complex, I saw a champagne colored Camry pull out, looked to the driver's seat and saw James' mom. I was bewildered at first, but sure enough James was sitting there in the passenger seat. I waved at both of them and James rolled down the window.
James: "Son, it's good to see you. Where are you going?"
I told him where I was coming from and that I was headed home.
James: "Ah, my mom was just taking me to church. It was good to see you."
He mustered out that same contagious smile, but I could tell it was quite an effort. I fought off the thought that that might be the last time I got to see him alive.
This past Monday, I was talking to my sister online. She said we should visit him. We decided to visit Tuesday. I went to class, and when I got out of those grueling 4 hours, I get a voicemail from a friend asking me if I was alright since he heard that James had past. I was terrified, I thought maybe he had mistaken. I called my sister, confirming my fear.
Heart wrenching, at first, I soon realized how God had been with me through it all, especially through that last fateful and blessed encounter.
Now when I think of James, I can't help but smile. I think about him almost all the time and in all that I do. Though these past years I haven't seen him as much, his memory lives all over my house and deep within my soul. No discredit to my parents, but James brought me through my adolescence. He handled the tough problems and questions those frustrating years bring. He taught me so much. I remember how amazed I was at how knowledgeable he was of our Catholic faith. He was such a busy person, already completing one medical degree and about to finish his second, I often wondered how or when he learned and remembered the deep theology and history of our faith.
Just last Friday, there was a change in me. I took the picture of James and me at my baptism with me for strength and inspiration and I was able to get a good amount of work and studies done. Again, I know this is a blessing from the Father, and a gift made possible through James.
I drew this mildly disturbing, hopefully not blasphemous picture the other day in my hydraulics class.
Some of you may recognize the position from an image James drew of Christ. I always found it odd that James drew Christ crucified in such a position, and in my hydraulics class I felt like maybe this was a symbol of James' cross and sharing in Christ's passion.
Well, this is just a ramble, but I can't keep it in. That's why I have this thing. I guess what I really wanted to say was thank you, James. Truly, thank you.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
break downs
are opportunities for engineers. It's where the trouble shooting comes in and true engineering mindset shines through.
Yesterday I went into the hydraulics lab to check on the pipe network we had used the other day to study head loss. Inside the lab were some mechanical engineering friends of mine. They were on the otherside of the system, the side we civil engineers would be using later that night to study minor losses from things like venturis and nozzles. The transducer was taken apart, and my friend Awesome (his name is really Mozim or something Russian, but we can never remember nor pronounce it correctly so we call him Awesome) was working on it.
Me: "What're you doing here, Awesome?"
Awesome: "Trouble shooting."
Me: "For a class or did they pay you?
Awesome: "Senior Project."
For those who don't know, Senior Project is a capstone course for undergraduates which is either some sort of research, design, or other type of real life project. Our broken equipment (well, the ME's use it for fluid dynamics, we use it for hydraulics) was part of someone else's graduating project. What an inspiration.
Well, if you follow the last post, you should know I've been breaking down. Life is just rough. This whole week it was almost as if I imploded. I was behind on all my 16 units of classes, and the pressure peeked on Thursday when a lab report was due. Our instructor has industry standards, so he's quite a stickler on those reports. Needless to say, I ran out of time and had to turn in a poopy report. By the time lab came around I was pooped and could barely focus on the lab, it went by in a snap.
That night I felt broken. Moreover, I was angry. I was angry at myself for letting things get so bad. And I was angry, I felt James' ordeal incredibly unfair. To him and to those who love him. "Life's not fair" resounded in my mind. With each ringing it got louder and angrier. The drive home on the freeway was slow riding--trying to keep calm and save on gas. There were tons of wreckless drivers, several weaving in and out. "What the f*k you rushing around for? Is your life ending tomorrow?"
I boiled over and by the time I got home I was just angry and I told Khanh. I was tired and pissed off at life. Completely broken down.
I gathered myself and road my bike over to Khanh's house *mind you, this was around 8-8:30 pm. I rode out my frustration. Pushing down on the pedals. I wore myself down to the point I didn't have the energy to be angry. I became somewhat carefree and started acting silly all night. We went over to the Bella Terra to meet with her friends (and surpisingly some of mine showed up). Everyone had a good time, there was laughing and smiling. Arrogant of me, but Im proud to say I caused a good amount of that laughter.
Later Khanh drove me home and I went to bed fairly easily that night--which has become rare.
This morning I was determined to quit foolish sulking and wasting time. After wasting a couple of hours in the morning I showered and drove over to Khanh's to get my bike and ride to Starbucks, where I spent the rest of the day doing Hydraulics homework. Mind you this past week, I turned in half-done-half-assed hydraulics homework because I put it off too long (rather I was busy doing other homework and assignments for the other 13 units). I came home to dinner with my family and then I ended up here.
Today, like every day for these past months there were times I was on the verge of tears just thinking of my beloved God Father. At times wondering who would be there to guide me, as he is not only my God Father, but also my Confirmation Sponsor. But after my shower this morning, I clothed myself in fortitude. Taking the picture of him and I at my baptism off the wall and using it as a shield. I took my rock of fortitude (literally a rock with the word fortitude and a cross on it) and put it in my breast pocket. I have had one of the most productive days I've had in a while.
I can't scan that picture of James and I just now, as I need to get my cable to scan it, but I want to tell you about it. This is James when he was 22. He still had a lot of his hair (it was done up DBZ style) and he was still buff and had a goatee. He has on black shirt with brown tie, the black makes him look not-so-bulky (I remember him looking bulky most of the time) and he has a great smile. His arm is clenching myself to him. I remember I was a shy and distant kid back then, not yet adept to taking pictures with others. I was happy too.
And, James, if you ever get a chance to read this I want you to know. This is how I see you. No matter how you may feel or what your actual physical appearance might be. This is you and I can't look at you any other way. So rest assured, though our time on this earth is fleeting, there is no difference. You are the one who made me confident in the Lord. And the Lord tells me this, though you may move on ahead of me we will definately meet again. I'll do all I can to learn and love the Lord so that some day I might be where you are going.
Yesterday I went into the hydraulics lab to check on the pipe network we had used the other day to study head loss. Inside the lab were some mechanical engineering friends of mine. They were on the otherside of the system, the side we civil engineers would be using later that night to study minor losses from things like venturis and nozzles. The transducer was taken apart, and my friend Awesome (his name is really Mozim or something Russian, but we can never remember nor pronounce it correctly so we call him Awesome) was working on it.
Me: "What're you doing here, Awesome?"
Awesome: "Trouble shooting."
Me: "For a class or did they pay you?
Awesome: "Senior Project."
For those who don't know, Senior Project is a capstone course for undergraduates which is either some sort of research, design, or other type of real life project. Our broken equipment (well, the ME's use it for fluid dynamics, we use it for hydraulics) was part of someone else's graduating project. What an inspiration.
Well, if you follow the last post, you should know I've been breaking down. Life is just rough. This whole week it was almost as if I imploded. I was behind on all my 16 units of classes, and the pressure peeked on Thursday when a lab report was due. Our instructor has industry standards, so he's quite a stickler on those reports. Needless to say, I ran out of time and had to turn in a poopy report. By the time lab came around I was pooped and could barely focus on the lab, it went by in a snap.
That night I felt broken. Moreover, I was angry. I was angry at myself for letting things get so bad. And I was angry, I felt James' ordeal incredibly unfair. To him and to those who love him. "Life's not fair" resounded in my mind. With each ringing it got louder and angrier. The drive home on the freeway was slow riding--trying to keep calm and save on gas. There were tons of wreckless drivers, several weaving in and out. "What the f*k you rushing around for? Is your life ending tomorrow?"
I boiled over and by the time I got home I was just angry and I told Khanh. I was tired and pissed off at life. Completely broken down.
I gathered myself and road my bike over to Khanh's house *mind you, this was around 8-8:30 pm. I rode out my frustration. Pushing down on the pedals. I wore myself down to the point I didn't have the energy to be angry. I became somewhat carefree and started acting silly all night. We went over to the Bella Terra to meet with her friends (and surpisingly some of mine showed up). Everyone had a good time, there was laughing and smiling. Arrogant of me, but Im proud to say I caused a good amount of that laughter.
Later Khanh drove me home and I went to bed fairly easily that night--which has become rare.
This morning I was determined to quit foolish sulking and wasting time. After wasting a couple of hours in the morning I showered and drove over to Khanh's to get my bike and ride to Starbucks, where I spent the rest of the day doing Hydraulics homework. Mind you this past week, I turned in half-done-half-assed hydraulics homework because I put it off too long (rather I was busy doing other homework and assignments for the other 13 units). I came home to dinner with my family and then I ended up here.
Today, like every day for these past months there were times I was on the verge of tears just thinking of my beloved God Father. At times wondering who would be there to guide me, as he is not only my God Father, but also my Confirmation Sponsor. But after my shower this morning, I clothed myself in fortitude. Taking the picture of him and I at my baptism off the wall and using it as a shield. I took my rock of fortitude (literally a rock with the word fortitude and a cross on it) and put it in my breast pocket. I have had one of the most productive days I've had in a while.
I can't scan that picture of James and I just now, as I need to get my cable to scan it, but I want to tell you about it. This is James when he was 22. He still had a lot of his hair (it was done up DBZ style) and he was still buff and had a goatee. He has on black shirt with brown tie, the black makes him look not-so-bulky (I remember him looking bulky most of the time) and he has a great smile. His arm is clenching myself to him. I remember I was a shy and distant kid back then, not yet adept to taking pictures with others. I was happy too.
And, James, if you ever get a chance to read this I want you to know. This is how I see you. No matter how you may feel or what your actual physical appearance might be. This is you and I can't look at you any other way. So rest assured, though our time on this earth is fleeting, there is no difference. You are the one who made me confident in the Lord. And the Lord tells me this, though you may move on ahead of me we will definately meet again. I'll do all I can to learn and love the Lord so that some day I might be where you are going.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
break down
seems everything nowadays is breaking down.
i did today. i'm simply terrified of the future i have to face.
i'm terrified of spending money. i do way too much of it. i love to take my girlfriend out. we take turns paying but each time i clench my teeth.
you know the phrase some people say to those they love, "I want to give you the world!"
this world, I'm afraid, is not something I'd want to give, not in the state it is in now, nor the state it will be in very soon and farther into the future.
sure, the world is grand, but we humans sure have funny ways to screw it up.
i am absolutely terrified.
my dad pays 800 dollars for some damned pills just to stay alive and "well," over a thousand dollars just for the insurance so he can pay that much. what income does our household make? what with other expenses including my school, the books, the gas... food, i'm sucking the funds right out of my family and i simply can't take it anymore.
prices will continue to climb, if you don't understand how or why, do a quick google search and see what's going on in the world today. i feel like i'm about to go belly up.
each day in the classroom... this summer it's engineering economics, analysis of indeterminate structures, hydraulic engineering, and technical communications... each hour, it's like a new weight put on your shoulders. it's not just work load, but responsibility given to you. that's what education seems to do. sure, it makes you stronger, but how much burden can you take?
today i buckled under the load.
i did today. i'm simply terrified of the future i have to face.
i'm terrified of spending money. i do way too much of it. i love to take my girlfriend out. we take turns paying but each time i clench my teeth.
you know the phrase some people say to those they love, "I want to give you the world!"
this world, I'm afraid, is not something I'd want to give, not in the state it is in now, nor the state it will be in very soon and farther into the future.
sure, the world is grand, but we humans sure have funny ways to screw it up.
i am absolutely terrified.
my dad pays 800 dollars for some damned pills just to stay alive and "well," over a thousand dollars just for the insurance so he can pay that much. what income does our household make? what with other expenses including my school, the books, the gas... food, i'm sucking the funds right out of my family and i simply can't take it anymore.
prices will continue to climb, if you don't understand how or why, do a quick google search and see what's going on in the world today. i feel like i'm about to go belly up.
each day in the classroom... this summer it's engineering economics, analysis of indeterminate structures, hydraulic engineering, and technical communications... each hour, it's like a new weight put on your shoulders. it's not just work load, but responsibility given to you. that's what education seems to do. sure, it makes you stronger, but how much burden can you take?
today i buckled under the load.
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