Six

Today was a long day at school. I had to finish a paper... which I didn't, but my prof. gave the whole class until Monday, still had to do a presentation... but I think that went fairly well. I went from school straight to the block to meet up with Khanh to watch the screening of a movie called "The Goods"... don't know what to say about that... we had some In-N-Out, I had a burger with extra tomatoes, it was yummy, I think I'll always order extra tomatoes from now on...

anyways... onto the important stuff.

I drove home, put the car in the garage, closed it and walked up to my front porch. I searched for the right key to open the door and as I put it in, a memory rushed into my head. It was of a lady named Six who would always, always, always ask "Who is it? Is that you child? Are you home?" At that moment I felt a little emptiness well up in my heart.

Six was the sixth child of ten. I don't know much else about her past except for the fact she's the one who got to come here to America after my grandfather, Ten, passed away. He had passed away right after my parents finished the paperwork for him to come over here to live. Six, his older sister took his place... and strangely enough I never understood that until she herself passed away.

It was the day before Thanksgiving. I only had one class that day--Vector Dynamics. It was from 9-10, but my professor taught another section from 8-9. Before I left for school that day, I had said goodbye to Six who was already on her deathbed. I normally go to school very early to avoid traffic and get good parking... so that day I decided to sit in on my professor's earlier section. By the time I was back down in Garden Grove, I got a call from my mom that Six had passed away and to come home immediately to begin the traditional Buddhist death ceremonies.

From that day I put on a strong face, scared that if I showed weakness my mother would only be thrown further into despair. But the truth is, I'm very sad that Six is gone and, with my super busy life, I had forgotten up until earlier today on my front step. On the same step where I had been greeted so longingly and affectionately by her countless times. It hasn't been a year since she passed, but it feels quite like forever.

I didn't appreciate her enough while she was around, but ever since this house has been plagued further by a thing called loneliness. The beginning of the plague began with the loss of my beloved rottweiler, Indo, May 24th of 2006 and the moving out of my sister later that month to begin her new life with her husband and coming daughter. No... this loneliness happened long before around 2001 when my dad had to move up north to work and I grew more astranged from my family... barely speaking to them or sharing the time of the day.

Well... I just thought it was a good time to remember this, because it helps me appreciate what I have, who I have... Last week my father came back from San Jose for good... and now we have the opportunity to grow closer as a family once again. I pray with all hope and love that this will happen.

as always

I'm looking back.

things move so quickly it's easy to forget, to get caught up in the rush, to stumble and make mistakes.

I just finished reading my old blog (http://www.xanga.com/xxlildragonguyxx)... not really sure what to say. I feel like in so many ways I've stayed the same and changed at the same time. I don't feel like I'm changing for the better...

I'm not sure what happened to me, my life used to be so spiritual. Now I never speak of God guiding me here or there... it's just me meandering and stumbling along this thing everyone likes to call "the road of life"

Today something very stupid happened, and this is one of the reasons I really just don't like myself (if you didn't get the hint from the whole not changing for the better). Today Khanh came up to school with me because 1. she's in summertime 2. she had no work today. We went to my Chi Epsilon (CE honor society) meeting, had some delicious chicken and all seemed wonderful. I went up to the Honors Commons where I chatted with people and did some homework while Khanh napped on the couch.

When sleeping beauty awoke, we went down to the BSC, got some chocolate-vanilla swirl frozen yogurt on a waffle cone, and then chilled in th study lounge where we watched a movie on this very laptop I'm using to communicate to you, the interweb. I probably should have spent more time studying or doing something but my brain turned to mush. An hour or so before class I decided to get up and go study, maybe ask my prof. some questions.

When I got to my professor's office he wasn't there so I walked back to the BSC to look at some things on my laptop. I tried adding some more classes for the fall but then it looked like I had a hold because I had extrenuous spring quarter fees, which was outlandish because I paid it off. After a while it just went away. Then I got to ask my prof. some questions. I went to class eager to take the quiz and go to the Honors Convocation. In my eagerness I rushed through the quiz even though it was super easy and screwed up. My professor, the benevolent guy he is looked at it and gave it back to me... I reworked it but felt so stupid that I had to receive his mercy because I was careless. This is where the frustration with myself began. When I walked out of the class I thought I had made another error... so I tried to come back in the room but then thought I shouldn't... then I wrote a letter, went back into the room, and left it under the stack of quizzes. As I walked to the convocation I realized my second attempt was sound and felt like an even bigger idiot than before... and it all just snowballed...

so there are a number of things here that I just can't stand 1. I rushed through the quiz and consequently screwed up 2. that I was given a second chance and still screwed up 3. that I made it such a big deal that I just had to leave the professor a note 4. that this is all I could think of for the rest of the day


I really wish I could be one of those people who don't care or at the very least don't let it bother them... but I'm not... I felt so bad that I was given mercy but merely continued to screw up... come to think of it, that's just like my spiritual life... when will this cycle ever end?

p.s. my dad is home from San Jose for good... I see it as a good thing since I know how strenuous the commute was and how stressful the job was... but I know deep down my dad is hurting, and so I can't help but hurt deep down...


I don't know why it had to be like this (Edit: strange... I don't know how this line appeared... I don't remember writing it... kinda scary)