I got...

a bike... and it's been great riding around town, been happy.
Got all A's for spring quarter... and I aced my fluid dynamics final (100%)!
My family's been getting closer, and we're working out some kinks.

Why can't I sleep?

Nothing new to report... I guess I'm worried, anxious, wish there were more I could do.

Yet, again, I fail to talk to God.

So God, I'm sorry but it's hard to rely on you... I'm trying, but I must admit I'm quite broken. So, if you could, please fix me and all your broken people. We're hurting.

Final

got my last one today, but a lot is on my mind. Or rather... my brain is just dead. I don't know... for some reason I've been wanting too many things... I'm getting a new phone (all my phones are dead and I'm using a loner that's like 3 years old), a new laptop (this one has a dying screen and has many other problems but no warranty), and I want a new bike... I just wanna rid myself of the gas dependence. Granted, I stil have to commute to school.. but there are many places I go that I can easily ride my bike to.

At the cusp of this desire, is for my God father to live. Things seem bleak, and it really is up to God whether he stays or goes.

I want to believe that if I got all these things, the future would be grand... or at least for the next couple of years. I'm trying to start a new lifestyle... I'm not worried about my final... yet I should be... I'm gonna go take a shower and take a stroll around the block... hopefully I'll have the mental capacity to study.

heart ache

happens when you love. That's how I know Anabelle knows how to love. Anabelle is my niece, she's turning 2 in July... but last December she was watching The Iron Giant, and for the first time I realized how amazing she was because by the end of the movie, she was crying and you can tell she was heart broken. I guess the Iron Giant was so similar to her. Anabelle's a baby and the Iron Giant was pretty much like one as well, with his thought process and whatnot. It was amazing.

So sometimes I wonder, how hard it must be to bring children into the world, only to see them feel heart ache when they love. I know, I feel the pain and see it all around. In the father who feels he's lost his use and is losing his health, the mother who hides the pain of losing her family behind a deck of cards, the sister who grew up too fast. I see it in the sisters and mother losing a brother, a son who's lost his father and faces the same fate. In one night I could feel the heart ache, and realized what pain God must feel. All of us are so broken hearted. At least every now and then.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Became fully conscious ~ 3a.m. and had a heart to heart with God. Every night used to be like that. I remember when my mom first taught me to pray, at night I'd list all the things I was thankful for... from the food I got to eat down to the spoon I got to eat it with. Momma's boy's all grown up...

Well, interweb, I'm going to be direct with you. My god father has cancer. It's tempting to say dying of cancer, but I like to think of it as battling with cancer. What can I say? Maybe you should know that I wasn't baptized till I was 12, and that he came into my life at probably one of my weakest points and his faith built me up to the soldier I am today.

Anyways... there're two songs by the New Amsterdams that remind me of him... I know it's a little negative, but here they are...

The first is called "Drinking in the Afternoon" and it goes as follows:

Drinking in the afternoon, this is what it's driven to.
Is there anything else to do?
Could have sworn it's 3 a.m., it's quiet in the room again.
This is where the story ends.

Time for me to act my age, I'm nothing if I'm not the rage.
Like that would matter anyway.
Just don't think you understand, just don't think you understand
the story needs this scene to end...

But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...

Drinking in the afternoon...
the loneliest hotel room, I hope the answer comes to you...
This is not the way for me, this is not my last defeat,
I'll try to make the ends meet.

But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time..

and it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...




The second song is called "Strangled by the thought" and I'm sure this is how James must feel, with the cancer eating at his lungs.


Weak from lack of oxygen, strangled by the thought
promise you'll remember when I'm gone.
Sleep is mostly optional, trace lines around my heart,
steal the only breath from my lungs.

And if I had your faith...
I'd be fearless.
But until that day...
I'm be envious.

Miles and miles the distances, like meters on a map.
Trace lines that only translate to the day.

But if you're awake...
tell me it's safe.
If you ask me to stay,
then I'll stay.

Don't leave me here...
when I'm bleeding...
when I'm fading...
when I'm true...

And it's tempting...
to stop everything...
when I'm pouring out... to You...

So take everything...
Take it all from me...
All I want... all I want is You...




The first song, "Drinking in the Afternoon" is how I feel... and I think it's pretty self explanatory.

The second song, "Strangled by the Thought" is how I imagine James must feel... it starts out with physical pain and lack of oxygen... then there's pain and fear from what he's going through. Miles and miles... lines that translate into a day... those are his long days suffering from the symptoms of chemo and radiation... then there's a crying out for God in the "don't leave me here..." and concludes with an acceptance of where God might lead him...

I know in the face of this adversity, I need to stand up and just do what God wants me to, but right now I am broken and will retreat this time to ask for God's healing, for the both of us.