Ever get that feeling...

that you're in way over your head?

*Raises hand

Yea, I guess that's just who I am. I want to do a lot, but I sometimes I just don't know my limits. There was a time when I could firmly say I just felt God's call and had faith that he would help me wherever I needed help but otherwise called me because I could handle it. I don't know where that faith went. I guess I just stopped talking to him (praying). I would love to get close, again, but I think writing this all out may help.

Probably the only thing about me that has changed over the year(s) is my lack of faith. But I still believe in 'righteous' causes. I mean, I WANT to do great things for people, I want to help. I want to lead people in the right direction, guide them, get them on their way. But honestly, I am so confused and even more confused about how I am confused. How do I define "great things"? What is the right direction? What really constitutes as help?

Perhaps I am really just a jaded old work horse. I used to use that term often... "jaded." Back in junior high I became "jaded" and was "jaded" throughout most of high school. Those who knew me back then would tell you, I was always down. I'm just generally a depressed guy. "Life ain't fair..." blah blah blah blah.

But then I got to a point when I realized how powerful I really am. I mean, I can control me, I can control my future. I could really affect people's lives. Back then, I wasn't jaded, I was a little disenchanted with the whole world and had no belief in my own abilities. Yet, a number of things lead me to believe my will is invaluable, my faith could move mountains. So I have worked hard to try and become a good person, to do well in school, be a good friend, a good son, brother, etc. I work at it with a passion. Whenever I do things, I do it with purpose.

Yet why am I so tired? Little failures add up and shatter any shred of confidence I could build up through feigns of righteousness. I know there are many sick bastards out there who only think about themselves and their personal gain. Then there are the even sicker bastards who fool themselves into thinking they're helping themselves so that somewhere down the road they'll help others. I am scared to hell of being that kind of person, but there are times I probably act that way. Life is HERE and NOW. If you want to help someone, there is always a way to do it HERE and Now. None of this lesser of the two evils bullshit. But, hah. Me? I don't even know how to help people anymore. Giving them something they want or need? Teaching them something they forget the next day? Teaching them about God and love? Where's the good if I'm constantly contradicting myself by being a jerk on the highway, or just doing things I shouldn't do.


Cot damn! Why do I expect so much out of myself?!


I just want life to be grand, I want people to be happy. But people are never happy, so how the hell can I be happy? It's like a never ending circle... I don't think there's any point in pleasing a perfect God, something that's above me, if I can't quell the fires in which I currently roast. Damn you, humans, damn you for being so damn tragic. I can be at peace in nature, in isolation, but I suppose the only time I'll truly be one with nature is when I'm six feet under.


Hopefully now that I'm done ranting I can get six feet under a cloud of dreams.

Goodnight, cruel world.