I am supposed to be reading Mark right now as part of my Lenten... exercise, shall I say... but I would like to take a moment and try to articulate something I felt today.
First I would have to inform you that lately I've been quite... fiery. Hot headed, yet impassioned. I've been praying for and working on this. Today something strange came over me. It is difficult to articulate exactly how it felt. In imperfect words, I was contemplative as usual, but the noise was not there. My heart felt heavy, yet strong. I could feel something well up from deep within me and I felt a sort of sorrow and humility. It was as if for a moment I truly understood my humanity. On the ride home from school, where I would normally get frustrated by reckless drivers, my heart was silent... or rather, it was like something was dampening the anger, absorbing the shock. Instead of the usual anger, I felt a profound sort of sorrow. Not just like "how sad, that person doesn't realize what they are doing." It was much more simple than that. Perhaps because, at the same time I remembered my Christian calling to hope, and so I felt connected to the other drivers. The hope is that one day, we could put such petty recklessness aside and share in the fellowship we all ought to belong to in the human family.
On this last note, I will begin my reading. Almighty Father, you hear my cries and know my heart. I thank you for such an opportunity. As you listen to me, I too must listen to you. Open, then, my ears, and mind... the very core of my being so that I may fully participate in your grace, to carry out your will.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
if only...
...I knew what my purpose is. I've always wondered, and at times I've fooled myself/others into thinking I know what it is, but I don't really know. Engineering, all of a sudden, seems quite insignificant. Am I really meant to serve as an engineer? Is it enough, to start a family, work, and in my free time, truly serve? Is starting a family really serving anyone?
I'm in the mood to move outside myself. Perhaps if I were a better man, I'd focus on helping a poor soul w/ a shitty family rather than trying to make a perfect family of my own.
Alright, time to not look so far down the road. Tomorrow's another day, gotta do what tomorrow beckons. Right now, I suppose that's sleep.
I'm in the mood to move outside myself. Perhaps if I were a better man, I'd focus on helping a poor soul w/ a shitty family rather than trying to make a perfect family of my own.
Alright, time to not look so far down the road. Tomorrow's another day, gotta do what tomorrow beckons. Right now, I suppose that's sleep.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
spoiled.
I grew up a spoiled child and when I was old enough to understand what that meant, I did everything in my power to move beyond that. When I was a teen I became anti-social, at times nihilistic and even suicidal, at the very least self destructive. As I matured, it turned into resolve to just accept what's been given to me and to try to do my best to utilize it for the benefit of others.
My mom still tries to spoil me today. I am going to go on record and say that spoiling a person is not the same as loving them.
When she does this, it sparks that deep rage in me that's ridiculously destructive. The worst part is that it can be over the smallest thing.
I'm still trying to find a way to cope with my anger. If anyone out there has suggestions, I am all ears, but be forewarned, I have tried almost everything in my power to stop it.
My mom still tries to spoil me today. I am going to go on record and say that spoiling a person is not the same as loving them.
When she does this, it sparks that deep rage in me that's ridiculously destructive. The worst part is that it can be over the smallest thing.
I'm still trying to find a way to cope with my anger. If anyone out there has suggestions, I am all ears, but be forewarned, I have tried almost everything in my power to stop it.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Veritas, Aquitas
Sometimes I fear I am too self righteous. I have such a fiery passion for truth and justice.
Do I really seek the truth?
Is my sense of justice obscure?
Do I really seek the truth?
Is my sense of justice obscure?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Grad School...
Applying to graduate school's been making me so anxious and nervous. I am not overly concerned about acceptance, but there are so many questions I have left unanswered.
For those who don't know, it's pretty much my mom, "grandpa," and me still living at home. In 2001 my dad got shipped to Santa Cruz/San Jose because his job, my sister started a family and moved out...already 3 years now. My mom is fairly dependent on me around the house, not just to help her out, but to keep her sane, and keep her company. This house I pretty much grew up in is so empty now, I know it's tough for me at times when I'm home alone, I can only imagine how she feels or how the OG feels.
Other things I would leave behind are my girl friend, my parish, my friends... I know it's only 2 years, but it is a difficult thing for me. All these things are what keep me sane and fighting on.
Then there's the issue of funding, research, the ability to perform. As great as Cal Poly engineering is, it really does not prepare us for a research environment.
What about relocating? Texas, Illinois, Ohio... can I handle it? The differences in culture? The weather?
Bleh, I need to stop being a little b*tch. I guess I'll just answer these things some other time, some other way. Got finish those grad apps...
For those who don't know, it's pretty much my mom, "grandpa," and me still living at home. In 2001 my dad got shipped to Santa Cruz/San Jose because his job, my sister started a family and moved out...already 3 years now. My mom is fairly dependent on me around the house, not just to help her out, but to keep her sane, and keep her company. This house I pretty much grew up in is so empty now, I know it's tough for me at times when I'm home alone, I can only imagine how she feels or how the OG feels.
Other things I would leave behind are my girl friend, my parish, my friends... I know it's only 2 years, but it is a difficult thing for me. All these things are what keep me sane and fighting on.
Then there's the issue of funding, research, the ability to perform. As great as Cal Poly engineering is, it really does not prepare us for a research environment.
What about relocating? Texas, Illinois, Ohio... can I handle it? The differences in culture? The weather?
Bleh, I need to stop being a little b*tch. I guess I'll just answer these things some other time, some other way. Got finish those grad apps...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
the Desert
Have you ever been "spiritually dry?" Have you ever considered yourself a very faithful person, only to reach a point where you question? Have you wondered, "Lord, why have you brought me to this desert?"
Did it make your spirit feel dead?
Well, whoever thinks the desert is a dead place has never been to the desert. There is so much life in the desert, but perhaps it's something those who live in the burbs aren't used to--those who are used to the comfort of their homes, the comfort of the city.
The faithful Hebrew people have been brought to and through the desert, Christ is said to have spent 40 days there. A very strong monastic tradition sprang from the "dry" desert.
Why do I bring all this up? Perhaps because not so long ago, I found myself in the spiritual desert. My faith was waning. I could not see the beauty of God in life quite as clearly as before. About 4 months later and I almost forgot I was ever in such a place.
The water I once sought was some abstract spiritual connection with God. The water I found in this desert was a concrete understanding. An understanding of his interaction with us through our entire human History. With roots in the Bible, supplemented by rich historical scholarship and long-standing (or long-lost) Church tradition. This is, to me, the beauty of what Vatican II brought to us Catholics.
Vatican II, as I see, was an acceptance of what we once were, what we have become, what we are, and what we are called to be. The history of the Church is very much like my own personal history. I have roots, I had a starting point. I developed through social interaction and educational development. Some things I changed, some things I kept the same--some decisions based on good influence and some bad. When I was younger, my understanding was limited, as I grew my understanding skewed, and now in my most recent history, a sincere and academic approach is taken to realize who I really am and who I am really called to be. Knowledge is really a powerful thing that should not be undermined.
So this is a challenge to you, the one in the desert. Don't turn away, but look closer.
It's like any relationship. You can't grow in love if you don't also grow in knowledge and understanding of one another. We as baptized lay people are charged with this responsibility to do our best to grow in love and understanding of our Faith.
My mom said something that touched me in a very profound way. She told me I had a strong heart. I know she's my mom, but for her to say it in the way she did made me realize how much I had to be thankful for. My heart helps me endure, to inspire, to be inspired, to love, to grit my teeth and muscle my way through life. Some of us have fragile hearts. Its no fault of our own--nor is it a fault. We are simply different. So here's the deal. If your heart is fragile, and my heart's still strong I'll protect you. I'll help you grow, as I grow too. But there is a lot that can be learned from a fragile heart as well. This is me encouraging you who find it difficult to carry on, to carry on. This is me promising to do what I can to help you to that end.
We can survive the desert, we can flourish in the desert. It is much more likely we can do so together. Maybe you can see, that we are brought here for a reason, and that it is not a terrible thing.
Did it make your spirit feel dead?
Well, whoever thinks the desert is a dead place has never been to the desert. There is so much life in the desert, but perhaps it's something those who live in the burbs aren't used to--those who are used to the comfort of their homes, the comfort of the city.
The faithful Hebrew people have been brought to and through the desert, Christ is said to have spent 40 days there. A very strong monastic tradition sprang from the "dry" desert.
Why do I bring all this up? Perhaps because not so long ago, I found myself in the spiritual desert. My faith was waning. I could not see the beauty of God in life quite as clearly as before. About 4 months later and I almost forgot I was ever in such a place.
The water I once sought was some abstract spiritual connection with God. The water I found in this desert was a concrete understanding. An understanding of his interaction with us through our entire human History. With roots in the Bible, supplemented by rich historical scholarship and long-standing (or long-lost) Church tradition. This is, to me, the beauty of what Vatican II brought to us Catholics.
Vatican II, as I see, was an acceptance of what we once were, what we have become, what we are, and what we are called to be. The history of the Church is very much like my own personal history. I have roots, I had a starting point. I developed through social interaction and educational development. Some things I changed, some things I kept the same--some decisions based on good influence and some bad. When I was younger, my understanding was limited, as I grew my understanding skewed, and now in my most recent history, a sincere and academic approach is taken to realize who I really am and who I am really called to be. Knowledge is really a powerful thing that should not be undermined.
So this is a challenge to you, the one in the desert. Don't turn away, but look closer.
It's like any relationship. You can't grow in love if you don't also grow in knowledge and understanding of one another. We as baptized lay people are charged with this responsibility to do our best to grow in love and understanding of our Faith.
My mom said something that touched me in a very profound way. She told me I had a strong heart. I know she's my mom, but for her to say it in the way she did made me realize how much I had to be thankful for. My heart helps me endure, to inspire, to be inspired, to love, to grit my teeth and muscle my way through life. Some of us have fragile hearts. Its no fault of our own--nor is it a fault. We are simply different. So here's the deal. If your heart is fragile, and my heart's still strong I'll protect you. I'll help you grow, as I grow too. But there is a lot that can be learned from a fragile heart as well. This is me encouraging you who find it difficult to carry on, to carry on. This is me promising to do what I can to help you to that end.
We can survive the desert, we can flourish in the desert. It is much more likely we can do so together. Maybe you can see, that we are brought here for a reason, and that it is not a terrible thing.
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