Applying to graduate school's been making me so anxious and nervous. I am not overly concerned about acceptance, but there are so many questions I have left unanswered.
For those who don't know, it's pretty much my mom, "grandpa," and me still living at home. In 2001 my dad got shipped to Santa Cruz/San Jose because his job, my sister started a family and moved out...already 3 years now. My mom is fairly dependent on me around the house, not just to help her out, but to keep her sane, and keep her company. This house I pretty much grew up in is so empty now, I know it's tough for me at times when I'm home alone, I can only imagine how she feels or how the OG feels.
Other things I would leave behind are my girl friend, my parish, my friends... I know it's only 2 years, but it is a difficult thing for me. All these things are what keep me sane and fighting on.
Then there's the issue of funding, research, the ability to perform. As great as Cal Poly engineering is, it really does not prepare us for a research environment.
What about relocating? Texas, Illinois, Ohio... can I handle it? The differences in culture? The weather?
Bleh, I need to stop being a little b*tch. I guess I'll just answer these things some other time, some other way. Got finish those grad apps...
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thursday, November 19, 2009
the Desert
Have you ever been "spiritually dry?" Have you ever considered yourself a very faithful person, only to reach a point where you question? Have you wondered, "Lord, why have you brought me to this desert?"
Did it make your spirit feel dead?
Well, whoever thinks the desert is a dead place has never been to the desert. There is so much life in the desert, but perhaps it's something those who live in the burbs aren't used to--those who are used to the comfort of their homes, the comfort of the city.
The faithful Hebrew people have been brought to and through the desert, Christ is said to have spent 40 days there. A very strong monastic tradition sprang from the "dry" desert.
Why do I bring all this up? Perhaps because not so long ago, I found myself in the spiritual desert. My faith was waning. I could not see the beauty of God in life quite as clearly as before. About 4 months later and I almost forgot I was ever in such a place.
The water I once sought was some abstract spiritual connection with God. The water I found in this desert was a concrete understanding. An understanding of his interaction with us through our entire human History. With roots in the Bible, supplemented by rich historical scholarship and long-standing (or long-lost) Church tradition. This is, to me, the beauty of what Vatican II brought to us Catholics.
Vatican II, as I see, was an acceptance of what we once were, what we have become, what we are, and what we are called to be. The history of the Church is very much like my own personal history. I have roots, I had a starting point. I developed through social interaction and educational development. Some things I changed, some things I kept the same--some decisions based on good influence and some bad. When I was younger, my understanding was limited, as I grew my understanding skewed, and now in my most recent history, a sincere and academic approach is taken to realize who I really am and who I am really called to be. Knowledge is really a powerful thing that should not be undermined.
So this is a challenge to you, the one in the desert. Don't turn away, but look closer.
It's like any relationship. You can't grow in love if you don't also grow in knowledge and understanding of one another. We as baptized lay people are charged with this responsibility to do our best to grow in love and understanding of our Faith.
My mom said something that touched me in a very profound way. She told me I had a strong heart. I know she's my mom, but for her to say it in the way she did made me realize how much I had to be thankful for. My heart helps me endure, to inspire, to be inspired, to love, to grit my teeth and muscle my way through life. Some of us have fragile hearts. Its no fault of our own--nor is it a fault. We are simply different. So here's the deal. If your heart is fragile, and my heart's still strong I'll protect you. I'll help you grow, as I grow too. But there is a lot that can be learned from a fragile heart as well. This is me encouraging you who find it difficult to carry on, to carry on. This is me promising to do what I can to help you to that end.
We can survive the desert, we can flourish in the desert. It is much more likely we can do so together. Maybe you can see, that we are brought here for a reason, and that it is not a terrible thing.
Did it make your spirit feel dead?
Well, whoever thinks the desert is a dead place has never been to the desert. There is so much life in the desert, but perhaps it's something those who live in the burbs aren't used to--those who are used to the comfort of their homes, the comfort of the city.
The faithful Hebrew people have been brought to and through the desert, Christ is said to have spent 40 days there. A very strong monastic tradition sprang from the "dry" desert.
Why do I bring all this up? Perhaps because not so long ago, I found myself in the spiritual desert. My faith was waning. I could not see the beauty of God in life quite as clearly as before. About 4 months later and I almost forgot I was ever in such a place.
The water I once sought was some abstract spiritual connection with God. The water I found in this desert was a concrete understanding. An understanding of his interaction with us through our entire human History. With roots in the Bible, supplemented by rich historical scholarship and long-standing (or long-lost) Church tradition. This is, to me, the beauty of what Vatican II brought to us Catholics.
Vatican II, as I see, was an acceptance of what we once were, what we have become, what we are, and what we are called to be. The history of the Church is very much like my own personal history. I have roots, I had a starting point. I developed through social interaction and educational development. Some things I changed, some things I kept the same--some decisions based on good influence and some bad. When I was younger, my understanding was limited, as I grew my understanding skewed, and now in my most recent history, a sincere and academic approach is taken to realize who I really am and who I am really called to be. Knowledge is really a powerful thing that should not be undermined.
So this is a challenge to you, the one in the desert. Don't turn away, but look closer.
It's like any relationship. You can't grow in love if you don't also grow in knowledge and understanding of one another. We as baptized lay people are charged with this responsibility to do our best to grow in love and understanding of our Faith.
My mom said something that touched me in a very profound way. She told me I had a strong heart. I know she's my mom, but for her to say it in the way she did made me realize how much I had to be thankful for. My heart helps me endure, to inspire, to be inspired, to love, to grit my teeth and muscle my way through life. Some of us have fragile hearts. Its no fault of our own--nor is it a fault. We are simply different. So here's the deal. If your heart is fragile, and my heart's still strong I'll protect you. I'll help you grow, as I grow too. But there is a lot that can be learned from a fragile heart as well. This is me encouraging you who find it difficult to carry on, to carry on. This is me promising to do what I can to help you to that end.
We can survive the desert, we can flourish in the desert. It is much more likely we can do so together. Maybe you can see, that we are brought here for a reason, and that it is not a terrible thing.
Monday, November 2, 2009
hear me roar, louder than before
A voice of one crying out in the desert: 'Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.'
Do we really prepare the way of the Lord? This is what we set out to do, right? I am so sinful, yet in my heart I desire to be with God... what is right, what is wrong? What is direction, what is misdirection? Are these words, though louder, falling on deaf ears?
The way of the Lord is simple, love. That is our goal. To say "Love God above all things and love one another as [Jesus] has loved [us]" can often be so confusing. Who is this God who seeks our love? Who is Jesus and how did he love us?
Let's go a little off the path to try and answer this... Have you ever met a person who cannot accept failure? Who works hard and wants everything to be perfect? To some extent that's me, but it's something I've been trying to change. Failure is inevitable, so what happens when you fail? Fail a test? Fail a friend, a loved one? What happens when it seems as if you can never get anything right? Well for the most part our past failures are now out of our hands. Our pains, our regrets of yesterday are merely that--yesterday. I am not saying to discard it, that would just be foolish, to forget how and why we fail. Today is in our hands, not yesterday. Today forges a new tomorrow. Never give up, never lose hope. Take life one step at a time.
One of the best things I heard from yesterday's retreat was from Sean Masero, a youth minister @ St. Columban, it was actually a tweet from Rev. Run (DMC)about never giving up, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on."
Love is not black and white, sometimes we'll falter and sometimes we'll triumph, but love propels us forward. More than that, faith, hope and love propel us forward. Not with delusion, but understanding & humility in the truth that we are just a small piece of such a seemingly infinite universe, yet we can make a difference.
Do we really prepare the way of the Lord? This is what we set out to do, right? I am so sinful, yet in my heart I desire to be with God... what is right, what is wrong? What is direction, what is misdirection? Are these words, though louder, falling on deaf ears?
The way of the Lord is simple, love. That is our goal. To say "Love God above all things and love one another as [Jesus] has loved [us]" can often be so confusing. Who is this God who seeks our love? Who is Jesus and how did he love us?
Let's go a little off the path to try and answer this... Have you ever met a person who cannot accept failure? Who works hard and wants everything to be perfect? To some extent that's me, but it's something I've been trying to change. Failure is inevitable, so what happens when you fail? Fail a test? Fail a friend, a loved one? What happens when it seems as if you can never get anything right? Well for the most part our past failures are now out of our hands. Our pains, our regrets of yesterday are merely that--yesterday. I am not saying to discard it, that would just be foolish, to forget how and why we fail. Today is in our hands, not yesterday. Today forges a new tomorrow. Never give up, never lose hope. Take life one step at a time.
One of the best things I heard from yesterday's retreat was from Sean Masero, a youth minister @ St. Columban, it was actually a tweet from Rev. Run (DMC)about never giving up, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on."
Love is not black and white, sometimes we'll falter and sometimes we'll triumph, but love propels us forward. More than that, faith, hope and love propel us forward. Not with delusion, but understanding & humility in the truth that we are just a small piece of such a seemingly infinite universe, yet we can make a difference.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Waking up in the morning.
Last weekend while I was at mass, they played a very familiar song:
A little long, but you get the point. So I was sitting in mass right when they were announcing this song and I turned to Mom (Dion) and said "This song's about waking up in the morning."
Oh we shared the Lulz. But now that I think about it, it is both funny and true. It's a great way to start the morning--asking God to open ourselves to the day, to know his will and live life prayerfully in thanksgiving and praise.
Open my eyes, Lord
Help me to see Your face
Open my eyes, Lord
Help me to see
Open my ears, Lord
Help me to hear Your voice
Open my ears, Lord
Help me to hear
Open my heart, Lord
Help me to love like You
Open my heart, Lord
Help me to love
And the first, shall be last,
and our eyes are opened,
and we'll hear like never before.
And we'll speak in new ways,
and we'll see God's face
in places we've never known.
I live within you
Deep in your heart, oh, love
I live within you
Rest now in me
A little long, but you get the point. So I was sitting in mass right when they were announcing this song and I turned to Mom (Dion) and said "This song's about waking up in the morning."
Oh we shared the Lulz. But now that I think about it, it is both funny and true. It's a great way to start the morning--asking God to open ourselves to the day, to know his will and live life prayerfully in thanksgiving and praise.
changes...
Been through a lot in quite a while, posted them on facebook notes... but I guess it's time to work the blogger... soooo new format, enjoy!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
hurt
Condemn me for my lack of faith, but I seek you sincerely. Once, my greatest friend, I'm still trying to figure out just who you are.
Monday, July 6, 2009
why do I still cry?
I'm getting older. It's been almost a year. I should be happy, but it still hurts like hell.
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