as always

I'm looking back.

things move so quickly it's easy to forget, to get caught up in the rush, to stumble and make mistakes.

I just finished reading my old blog (http://www.xanga.com/xxlildragonguyxx)... not really sure what to say. I feel like in so many ways I've stayed the same and changed at the same time. I don't feel like I'm changing for the better...

I'm not sure what happened to me, my life used to be so spiritual. Now I never speak of God guiding me here or there... it's just me meandering and stumbling along this thing everyone likes to call "the road of life"

Today something very stupid happened, and this is one of the reasons I really just don't like myself (if you didn't get the hint from the whole not changing for the better). Today Khanh came up to school with me because 1. she's in summertime 2. she had no work today. We went to my Chi Epsilon (CE honor society) meeting, had some delicious chicken and all seemed wonderful. I went up to the Honors Commons where I chatted with people and did some homework while Khanh napped on the couch.

When sleeping beauty awoke, we went down to the BSC, got some chocolate-vanilla swirl frozen yogurt on a waffle cone, and then chilled in th study lounge where we watched a movie on this very laptop I'm using to communicate to you, the interweb. I probably should have spent more time studying or doing something but my brain turned to mush. An hour or so before class I decided to get up and go study, maybe ask my prof. some questions.

When I got to my professor's office he wasn't there so I walked back to the BSC to look at some things on my laptop. I tried adding some more classes for the fall but then it looked like I had a hold because I had extrenuous spring quarter fees, which was outlandish because I paid it off. After a while it just went away. Then I got to ask my prof. some questions. I went to class eager to take the quiz and go to the Honors Convocation. In my eagerness I rushed through the quiz even though it was super easy and screwed up. My professor, the benevolent guy he is looked at it and gave it back to me... I reworked it but felt so stupid that I had to receive his mercy because I was careless. This is where the frustration with myself began. When I walked out of the class I thought I had made another error... so I tried to come back in the room but then thought I shouldn't... then I wrote a letter, went back into the room, and left it under the stack of quizzes. As I walked to the convocation I realized my second attempt was sound and felt like an even bigger idiot than before... and it all just snowballed...

so there are a number of things here that I just can't stand 1. I rushed through the quiz and consequently screwed up 2. that I was given a second chance and still screwed up 3. that I made it such a big deal that I just had to leave the professor a note 4. that this is all I could think of for the rest of the day


I really wish I could be one of those people who don't care or at the very least don't let it bother them... but I'm not... I felt so bad that I was given mercy but merely continued to screw up... come to think of it, that's just like my spiritual life... when will this cycle ever end?

p.s. my dad is home from San Jose for good... I see it as a good thing since I know how strenuous the commute was and how stressful the job was... but I know deep down my dad is hurting, and so I can't help but hurt deep down...


I don't know why it had to be like this (Edit: strange... I don't know how this line appeared... I don't remember writing it... kinda scary)