Isn't it a pity?

moved.

I am supposed to be reading Mark right now as part of my Lenten... exercise, shall I say... but I would like to take a moment and try to articulate something I felt today.

First I would have to inform you that lately I've been quite... fiery.  Hot headed, yet impassioned.  I've been praying for and working on this.  Today something strange came over me.  It is difficult to articulate exactly how it felt.  In imperfect words, I was contemplative as usual, but the noise was not there.  My heart felt heavy, yet strong.  I could feel something well up from deep within me and I felt a sort of sorrow and humility.  It was as if for a moment I truly understood my humanity.  On the ride home from school, where I would normally get frustrated by reckless drivers, my heart was silent... or rather, it was like something was dampening the anger, absorbing the shock.  Instead of the usual anger, I felt a profound sort of sorrow.  Not just like "how sad, that person doesn't realize what they are doing."  It was much more simple than that.  Perhaps because, at the same time I remembered my Christian calling to hope, and so I felt connected to the other drivers.  The hope is that one day, we could put such petty recklessness aside and share in the fellowship we all ought to belong to in the human family.

On this last note, I will begin my reading.  Almighty Father, you hear my cries and know my heart.  I thank you for such an opportunity.  As you listen to me, I too must listen to you.  Open, then, my ears, and mind... the very core of my being so that I may fully participate in your grace, to carry out your will.

if only...

...I knew what my purpose is.  I've always wondered, and at times I've fooled myself/others into thinking I know what it is, but I don't really know.  Engineering, all of a sudden, seems quite insignificant.  Am I really meant to serve as an engineer?  Is it enough, to start a family, work, and in my free time, truly serve?  Is starting a family really serving anyone? 

I'm in the mood to move outside myself.  Perhaps if I were a better man, I'd focus on helping a poor soul w/ a shitty family rather than trying to make a perfect family of my own. 

Alright, time to not look so far down the road.  Tomorrow's another day, gotta do what tomorrow beckons.  Right now, I suppose that's sleep.

spoiled.

I grew up a spoiled child and when I was old enough to understand what that meant, I did everything in my power to move beyond that. When I was a teen I became anti-social, at times nihilistic and even suicidal, at the very least self destructive. As I matured, it turned into resolve to just accept what's been given to me and to try to do my best to utilize it for the benefit of others.

My mom still tries to spoil me today. I am going to go on record and say that spoiling a person is not the same as loving them.

When she does this, it sparks that deep rage in me that's ridiculously destructive. The worst part is that it can be over the smallest thing.

I'm still trying to find a way to cope with my anger. If anyone out there has suggestions, I am all ears, but be forewarned, I have tried almost everything in my power to stop it.

Veritas, Aquitas

Sometimes I fear I am too self righteous. I have such a fiery passion for truth and justice.

Do I really seek the truth?

Is my sense of justice obscure?

Grad School, Part Deux.

Lyrics | George Harrison - I Don’t Want To Do It lyrics