a bike... and it's been great riding around town, been happy.
Got all A's for spring quarter... and I aced my fluid dynamics final (100%)!
My family's been getting closer, and we're working out some kinks.
Why can't I sleep?
Nothing new to report... I guess I'm worried, anxious, wish there were more I could do.
Yet, again, I fail to talk to God.
So God, I'm sorry but it's hard to rely on you... I'm trying, but I must admit I'm quite broken. So, if you could, please fix me and all your broken people. We're hurting.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Final
got my last one today, but a lot is on my mind. Or rather... my brain is just dead. I don't know... for some reason I've been wanting too many things... I'm getting a new phone (all my phones are dead and I'm using a loner that's like 3 years old), a new laptop (this one has a dying screen and has many other problems but no warranty), and I want a new bike... I just wanna rid myself of the gas dependence. Granted, I stil have to commute to school.. but there are many places I go that I can easily ride my bike to.
At the cusp of this desire, is for my God father to live. Things seem bleak, and it really is up to God whether he stays or goes.
I want to believe that if I got all these things, the future would be grand... or at least for the next couple of years. I'm trying to start a new lifestyle... I'm not worried about my final... yet I should be... I'm gonna go take a shower and take a stroll around the block... hopefully I'll have the mental capacity to study.
At the cusp of this desire, is for my God father to live. Things seem bleak, and it really is up to God whether he stays or goes.
I want to believe that if I got all these things, the future would be grand... or at least for the next couple of years. I'm trying to start a new lifestyle... I'm not worried about my final... yet I should be... I'm gonna go take a shower and take a stroll around the block... hopefully I'll have the mental capacity to study.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
heart ache
happens when you love. That's how I know Anabelle knows how to love. Anabelle is my niece, she's turning 2 in July... but last December she was watching The Iron Giant, and for the first time I realized how amazing she was because by the end of the movie, she was crying and you can tell she was heart broken. I guess the Iron Giant was so similar to her. Anabelle's a baby and the Iron Giant was pretty much like one as well, with his thought process and whatnot. It was amazing.
So sometimes I wonder, how hard it must be to bring children into the world, only to see them feel heart ache when they love. I know, I feel the pain and see it all around. In the father who feels he's lost his use and is losing his health, the mother who hides the pain of losing her family behind a deck of cards, the sister who grew up too fast. I see it in the sisters and mother losing a brother, a son who's lost his father and faces the same fate. In one night I could feel the heart ache, and realized what pain God must feel. All of us are so broken hearted. At least every now and then.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Became fully conscious ~ 3a.m. and had a heart to heart with God. Every night used to be like that. I remember when my mom first taught me to pray, at night I'd list all the things I was thankful for... from the food I got to eat down to the spoon I got to eat it with. Momma's boy's all grown up...
Well, interweb, I'm going to be direct with you. My god father has cancer. It's tempting to say dying of cancer, but I like to think of it as battling with cancer. What can I say? Maybe you should know that I wasn't baptized till I was 12, and that he came into my life at probably one of my weakest points and his faith built me up to the soldier I am today.
Anyways... there're two songs by the New Amsterdams that remind me of him... I know it's a little negative, but here they are...
The first is called "Drinking in the Afternoon" and it goes as follows:
Drinking in the afternoon, this is what it's driven to.
Is there anything else to do?
Could have sworn it's 3 a.m., it's quiet in the room again.
This is where the story ends.
Time for me to act my age, I'm nothing if I'm not the rage.
Like that would matter anyway.
Just don't think you understand, just don't think you understand
the story needs this scene to end...
But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...
Drinking in the afternoon...
the loneliest hotel room, I hope the answer comes to you...
This is not the way for me, this is not my last defeat,
I'll try to make the ends meet.
But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time..
and it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...
The second song is called "Strangled by the thought" and I'm sure this is how James must feel, with the cancer eating at his lungs.
Weak from lack of oxygen, strangled by the thought
promise you'll remember when I'm gone.
Sleep is mostly optional, trace lines around my heart,
steal the only breath from my lungs.
And if I had your faith...
I'd be fearless.
But until that day...
I'm be envious.
Miles and miles the distances, like meters on a map.
Trace lines that only translate to the day.
But if you're awake...
tell me it's safe.
If you ask me to stay,
then I'll stay.
Don't leave me here...
when I'm bleeding...
when I'm fading...
when I'm true...
And it's tempting...
to stop everything...
when I'm pouring out... to You...
So take everything...
Take it all from me...
All I want... all I want is You...
The first song, "Drinking in the Afternoon" is how I feel... and I think it's pretty self explanatory.
The second song, "Strangled by the Thought" is how I imagine James must feel... it starts out with physical pain and lack of oxygen... then there's pain and fear from what he's going through. Miles and miles... lines that translate into a day... those are his long days suffering from the symptoms of chemo and radiation... then there's a crying out for God in the "don't leave me here..." and concludes with an acceptance of where God might lead him...
I know in the face of this adversity, I need to stand up and just do what God wants me to, but right now I am broken and will retreat this time to ask for God's healing, for the both of us.
So sometimes I wonder, how hard it must be to bring children into the world, only to see them feel heart ache when they love. I know, I feel the pain and see it all around. In the father who feels he's lost his use and is losing his health, the mother who hides the pain of losing her family behind a deck of cards, the sister who grew up too fast. I see it in the sisters and mother losing a brother, a son who's lost his father and faces the same fate. In one night I could feel the heart ache, and realized what pain God must feel. All of us are so broken hearted. At least every now and then.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Became fully conscious ~ 3a.m. and had a heart to heart with God. Every night used to be like that. I remember when my mom first taught me to pray, at night I'd list all the things I was thankful for... from the food I got to eat down to the spoon I got to eat it with. Momma's boy's all grown up...
Well, interweb, I'm going to be direct with you. My god father has cancer. It's tempting to say dying of cancer, but I like to think of it as battling with cancer. What can I say? Maybe you should know that I wasn't baptized till I was 12, and that he came into my life at probably one of my weakest points and his faith built me up to the soldier I am today.
Anyways... there're two songs by the New Amsterdams that remind me of him... I know it's a little negative, but here they are...
The first is called "Drinking in the Afternoon" and it goes as follows:
Drinking in the afternoon, this is what it's driven to.
Is there anything else to do?
Could have sworn it's 3 a.m., it's quiet in the room again.
This is where the story ends.
Time for me to act my age, I'm nothing if I'm not the rage.
Like that would matter anyway.
Just don't think you understand, just don't think you understand
the story needs this scene to end...
But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...
Drinking in the afternoon...
the loneliest hotel room, I hope the answer comes to you...
This is not the way for me, this is not my last defeat,
I'll try to make the ends meet.
But it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time..
and it's hard to say goodbye...
but at least we got to have this time..
at least we got to have this time...
at least we got to have this time...
The second song is called "Strangled by the thought" and I'm sure this is how James must feel, with the cancer eating at his lungs.
Weak from lack of oxygen, strangled by the thought
promise you'll remember when I'm gone.
Sleep is mostly optional, trace lines around my heart,
steal the only breath from my lungs.
And if I had your faith...
I'd be fearless.
But until that day...
I'm be envious.
Miles and miles the distances, like meters on a map.
Trace lines that only translate to the day.
But if you're awake...
tell me it's safe.
If you ask me to stay,
then I'll stay.
Don't leave me here...
when I'm bleeding...
when I'm fading...
when I'm true...
And it's tempting...
to stop everything...
when I'm pouring out... to You...
So take everything...
Take it all from me...
All I want... all I want is You...
The first song, "Drinking in the Afternoon" is how I feel... and I think it's pretty self explanatory.
The second song, "Strangled by the Thought" is how I imagine James must feel... it starts out with physical pain and lack of oxygen... then there's pain and fear from what he's going through. Miles and miles... lines that translate into a day... those are his long days suffering from the symptoms of chemo and radiation... then there's a crying out for God in the "don't leave me here..." and concludes with an acceptance of where God might lead him...
I know in the face of this adversity, I need to stand up and just do what God wants me to, but right now I am broken and will retreat this time to ask for God's healing, for the both of us.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Six
Today was a long day at school. I had to finish a paper... which I didn't, but my prof. gave the whole class until Monday, still had to do a presentation... but I think that went fairly well. I went from school straight to the block to meet up with Khanh to watch the screening of a movie called "The Goods"... don't know what to say about that... we had some In-N-Out, I had a burger with extra tomatoes, it was yummy, I think I'll always order extra tomatoes from now on...
anyways... onto the important stuff.
I drove home, put the car in the garage, closed it and walked up to my front porch. I searched for the right key to open the door and as I put it in, a memory rushed into my head. It was of a lady named Six who would always, always, always ask "Who is it? Is that you child? Are you home?" At that moment I felt a little emptiness well up in my heart.
Six was the sixth child of ten. I don't know much else about her past except for the fact she's the one who got to come here to America after my grandfather, Ten, passed away. He had passed away right after my parents finished the paperwork for him to come over here to live. Six, his older sister took his place... and strangely enough I never understood that until she herself passed away.
It was the day before Thanksgiving. I only had one class that day--Vector Dynamics. It was from 9-10, but my professor taught another section from 8-9. Before I left for school that day, I had said goodbye to Six who was already on her deathbed. I normally go to school very early to avoid traffic and get good parking... so that day I decided to sit in on my professor's earlier section. By the time I was back down in Garden Grove, I got a call from my mom that Six had passed away and to come home immediately to begin the traditional Buddhist death ceremonies.
From that day I put on a strong face, scared that if I showed weakness my mother would only be thrown further into despair. But the truth is, I'm very sad that Six is gone and, with my super busy life, I had forgotten up until earlier today on my front step. On the same step where I had been greeted so longingly and affectionately by her countless times. It hasn't been a year since she passed, but it feels quite like forever.
I didn't appreciate her enough while she was around, but ever since this house has been plagued further by a thing called loneliness. The beginning of the plague began with the loss of my beloved rottweiler, Indo, May 24th of 2006 and the moving out of my sister later that month to begin her new life with her husband and coming daughter. No... this loneliness happened long before around 2001 when my dad had to move up north to work and I grew more astranged from my family... barely speaking to them or sharing the time of the day.
Well... I just thought it was a good time to remember this, because it helps me appreciate what I have, who I have... Last week my father came back from San Jose for good... and now we have the opportunity to grow closer as a family once again. I pray with all hope and love that this will happen.
anyways... onto the important stuff.
I drove home, put the car in the garage, closed it and walked up to my front porch. I searched for the right key to open the door and as I put it in, a memory rushed into my head. It was of a lady named Six who would always, always, always ask "Who is it? Is that you child? Are you home?" At that moment I felt a little emptiness well up in my heart.
Six was the sixth child of ten. I don't know much else about her past except for the fact she's the one who got to come here to America after my grandfather, Ten, passed away. He had passed away right after my parents finished the paperwork for him to come over here to live. Six, his older sister took his place... and strangely enough I never understood that until she herself passed away.
It was the day before Thanksgiving. I only had one class that day--Vector Dynamics. It was from 9-10, but my professor taught another section from 8-9. Before I left for school that day, I had said goodbye to Six who was already on her deathbed. I normally go to school very early to avoid traffic and get good parking... so that day I decided to sit in on my professor's earlier section. By the time I was back down in Garden Grove, I got a call from my mom that Six had passed away and to come home immediately to begin the traditional Buddhist death ceremonies.
From that day I put on a strong face, scared that if I showed weakness my mother would only be thrown further into despair. But the truth is, I'm very sad that Six is gone and, with my super busy life, I had forgotten up until earlier today on my front step. On the same step where I had been greeted so longingly and affectionately by her countless times. It hasn't been a year since she passed, but it feels quite like forever.
I didn't appreciate her enough while she was around, but ever since this house has been plagued further by a thing called loneliness. The beginning of the plague began with the loss of my beloved rottweiler, Indo, May 24th of 2006 and the moving out of my sister later that month to begin her new life with her husband and coming daughter. No... this loneliness happened long before around 2001 when my dad had to move up north to work and I grew more astranged from my family... barely speaking to them or sharing the time of the day.
Well... I just thought it was a good time to remember this, because it helps me appreciate what I have, who I have... Last week my father came back from San Jose for good... and now we have the opportunity to grow closer as a family once again. I pray with all hope and love that this will happen.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
as always
I'm looking back.
things move so quickly it's easy to forget, to get caught up in the rush, to stumble and make mistakes.
I just finished reading my old blog (http://www.xanga.com/xxlildragonguyxx)... not really sure what to say. I feel like in so many ways I've stayed the same and changed at the same time. I don't feel like I'm changing for the better...
I'm not sure what happened to me, my life used to be so spiritual. Now I never speak of God guiding me here or there... it's just me meandering and stumbling along this thing everyone likes to call "the road of life"
Today something very stupid happened, and this is one of the reasons I really just don't like myself (if you didn't get the hint from the whole not changing for the better). Today Khanh came up to school with me because 1. she's in summertime 2. she had no work today. We went to my Chi Epsilon (CE honor society) meeting, had some delicious chicken and all seemed wonderful. I went up to the Honors Commons where I chatted with people and did some homework while Khanh napped on the couch.
When sleeping beauty awoke, we went down to the BSC, got some chocolate-vanilla swirl frozen yogurt on a waffle cone, and then chilled in th study lounge where we watched a movie on this very laptop I'm using to communicate to you, the interweb. I probably should have spent more time studying or doing something but my brain turned to mush. An hour or so before class I decided to get up and go study, maybe ask my prof. some questions.
When I got to my professor's office he wasn't there so I walked back to the BSC to look at some things on my laptop. I tried adding some more classes for the fall but then it looked like I had a hold because I had extrenuous spring quarter fees, which was outlandish because I paid it off. After a while it just went away. Then I got to ask my prof. some questions. I went to class eager to take the quiz and go to the Honors Convocation. In my eagerness I rushed through the quiz even though it was super easy and screwed up. My professor, the benevolent guy he is looked at it and gave it back to me... I reworked it but felt so stupid that I had to receive his mercy because I was careless. This is where the frustration with myself began. When I walked out of the class I thought I had made another error... so I tried to come back in the room but then thought I shouldn't... then I wrote a letter, went back into the room, and left it under the stack of quizzes. As I walked to the convocation I realized my second attempt was sound and felt like an even bigger idiot than before... and it all just snowballed...
so there are a number of things here that I just can't stand 1. I rushed through the quiz and consequently screwed up 2. that I was given a second chance and still screwed up 3. that I made it such a big deal that I just had to leave the professor a note 4. that this is all I could think of for the rest of the day
I really wish I could be one of those people who don't care or at the very least don't let it bother them... but I'm not... I felt so bad that I was given mercy but merely continued to screw up... come to think of it, that's just like my spiritual life... when will this cycle ever end?
p.s. my dad is home from San Jose for good... I see it as a good thing since I know how strenuous the commute was and how stressful the job was... but I know deep down my dad is hurting, and so I can't help but hurt deep down...
I don't know why it had to be like this (Edit: strange... I don't know how this line appeared... I don't remember writing it... kinda scary)
things move so quickly it's easy to forget, to get caught up in the rush, to stumble and make mistakes.
I just finished reading my old blog (http://www.xanga.com/xxlildragonguyxx)... not really sure what to say. I feel like in so many ways I've stayed the same and changed at the same time. I don't feel like I'm changing for the better...
I'm not sure what happened to me, my life used to be so spiritual. Now I never speak of God guiding me here or there... it's just me meandering and stumbling along this thing everyone likes to call "the road of life"
Today something very stupid happened, and this is one of the reasons I really just don't like myself (if you didn't get the hint from the whole not changing for the better). Today Khanh came up to school with me because 1. she's in summertime 2. she had no work today. We went to my Chi Epsilon (CE honor society) meeting, had some delicious chicken and all seemed wonderful. I went up to the Honors Commons where I chatted with people and did some homework while Khanh napped on the couch.
When sleeping beauty awoke, we went down to the BSC, got some chocolate-vanilla swirl frozen yogurt on a waffle cone, and then chilled in th study lounge where we watched a movie on this very laptop I'm using to communicate to you, the interweb. I probably should have spent more time studying or doing something but my brain turned to mush. An hour or so before class I decided to get up and go study, maybe ask my prof. some questions.
When I got to my professor's office he wasn't there so I walked back to the BSC to look at some things on my laptop. I tried adding some more classes for the fall but then it looked like I had a hold because I had extrenuous spring quarter fees, which was outlandish because I paid it off. After a while it just went away. Then I got to ask my prof. some questions. I went to class eager to take the quiz and go to the Honors Convocation. In my eagerness I rushed through the quiz even though it was super easy and screwed up. My professor, the benevolent guy he is looked at it and gave it back to me... I reworked it but felt so stupid that I had to receive his mercy because I was careless. This is where the frustration with myself began. When I walked out of the class I thought I had made another error... so I tried to come back in the room but then thought I shouldn't... then I wrote a letter, went back into the room, and left it under the stack of quizzes. As I walked to the convocation I realized my second attempt was sound and felt like an even bigger idiot than before... and it all just snowballed...
so there are a number of things here that I just can't stand 1. I rushed through the quiz and consequently screwed up 2. that I was given a second chance and still screwed up 3. that I made it such a big deal that I just had to leave the professor a note 4. that this is all I could think of for the rest of the day
I really wish I could be one of those people who don't care or at the very least don't let it bother them... but I'm not... I felt so bad that I was given mercy but merely continued to screw up... come to think of it, that's just like my spiritual life... when will this cycle ever end?
p.s. my dad is home from San Jose for good... I see it as a good thing since I know how strenuous the commute was and how stressful the job was... but I know deep down my dad is hurting, and so I can't help but hurt deep down...
I don't know why it had to be like this (Edit: strange... I don't know how this line appeared... I don't remember writing it... kinda scary)
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