why do I still cry?

I'm getting older. It's been almost a year. I should be happy, but it still hurts like hell.

Man, get that corn outta my face

So today I met up with a Cal Poly friend at the Starbucks nearest my house. Naturally, I rode my bike. On the way back, I heard a familiar honking. It was none other than the wandering Mexican corn/snow cone cart.

Naturally, picked me up a couple of these beauties--->

The picture is courtesy some other blog (hint, google images mexican corn mayonnaise chili), but it's authentic!

The nice cart man had a hard time understanding my English, but I eventually got him to whip me up 2 sticks of corn. I got one with chili and one without (for my niece, who I saw like 20 minutes later).

"¿Como se cuentan?" I asked in a very convincing accent.

He did a double take, eyeing me suspiciously as if to say, "ow come joo deed not speak to meet that way earlier?"

But all he did say was, "Three dolors."

So I started riding back home with 2 plates of corn in my left hand. Saw my neighbor, Frank, across the street standing in front of his house, inspecting the people fixing his roof.

Yelled out, "Hey Frank!"

He didn't hear me.

Tried to ring my bell with my right hand (it's on the left side of my handlebars). My palm was muting it. Turned around and tried again.

Was going too fast... lost control... took a spill... but the corn was safe. My knee, skinned... my ankle... it's gonna be sore tomorrow.

He still didn't hear me.

I limped my bike back to my house, cleaned up & patched my knee, and enjoyed my corn. It was worth it.

And now, a piece of quality film:

A cardinal moment

Perhaps its this phase of transition that has me up late at night, sulking in in the nostalgia of memories.

I don't really know what to say--it's almost as if every one of my blogs are exactly the same... just a whole lot of not knowing.

I suppose one thing I can reflect upon is what I've actually striven pretty hard for--to Love people, or "love your neighbor as yourself." I know a big part of love is understanding, so I have tried to step outside of myself so much. But I have done that so much that I don't feel the same nor remember, at times, who I am. I might even go as far to say that I have tried so hard to Love others that I lost site of the commandment that goes just before that: To Love God above all things.

I forget how important that commandment is. You may even say it's almost impossible to "Love neighbor" if you don't know how to Love God. Of course, this is a difficult thing to do... I'm going to leave it at that for now. I'm tired...

over the past couple of years

I worked hard... fought w/ all my might... hoping I'd get a chance to relax and breathe. Hoping that I could spend time with those I love. Sometimes you work so hard, and the ones you care about aren't around anymore.

This is a reminder to myself: whenever you get the chance to share time with someone you care about, do it. Don't wait, they can be gone in an instant... I really regret not taking any extra steps to try and spend time with Jims. There were so many things I wanted to ask him, to tell him. I still need a God father to guide me, especially now. I'm really struggling to find some solid ground, at least on the inside.

I guess on the outside things seem to be going great. But there's a lingering sense of despair in my mind. Not because I am worried about graduating or getting a job or any of that.... I'm still learning what it means to be human, but the more I seem to find out, the more I seem to lose myself... if that makes sense...

After so much spiritual development, so much self reflection... I never thought I'd be so far from understanding who I am supposed to be.

my goodness

how time does fly. just a year ago, i would never have imagined being where i am--not sure yet whether that's good or bad. i suppose God has a plan, hopefully i'm not doing anything to hinder it.

i just wanted to take the time to say how busy i've been with school and how it's made me feel so detached from who i am/used to be... and how much i miss those who've passed. miss you Six, Jims.

I can't believe how much my life has changed since that day I asked to be set free and I slammed my tC into the 57's center divider. I hope I can hang on to what I want to be and let go of things that keep me from God's plan.

you may think I talk a lot about God all the time. but the truth is, this blog is my way of forcing it out. i know deep down in my heart how much i love God, but in honesty the clutter & debris from disasters has covered that up pretty well.

love you God, I miss living in your grace and I miss your beloved children who've gone before me.

angels

With the tragic loss of Nick Adenhart, the Angels press on to face the Redsox. They say there's something about baseball that helps guys get over things. I think they're right.

But my heart is heavy tonight. There is so much sorrow in this world, and this goes beyond just Nick. So, Jesus, thank you for what you did for us, and remember us.

self control

i read an article headline that said "children who lack self control are more prone to obesity."

hmm... i'd like to take that a step further to say that those who lack self control are more prone to depression.

i know, b/c my own faults & failures get me down, and they often come from a lack of self control. be it physical or mental fitness--to me it all comes down to self control & will power.

sometimes i feel like i have a will of iron, or fire, or all those other strong images of will... but sometimes i'm just that lost and lonely soul seeking cover.

being human is an amazing experience, isn't it?